Somewhere Across Forever
by floorplanhobo
Summary: Clare Edwards only knew one thing about Eli Goldsworthy: he was excellent at secrecy. But what he was hiding in his heart was far more tragic and terrible than anything she had ever known.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This story is inspired by and based on the superb fanfic "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By" (not a Degrassi fanfic, and it's not in this site), which was written by nepenthe_ at LiveJournal. The title of this fic belongs to Stellastarr*.  
><strong>

**What to expect: Eclare friendship/romance/fluff, lots of Clare/Eli/Adam/Alli moments, some disturbing situations and strong language. I must emphasize on the **_**disturbing situations**_** part of this fic. You'll see eventually. I'm experimenting with my writing, so forgive my suckiness. **

"_Dreamin' what you're seeing and knowing that I can read it, it's all for you. I can see it in your eyes and even though I lied, it was all for you."_

_**Somewhere Across Forever, Stellastarr***_

_**Eli **_

"_Ooh yeah, a little angel, she wants more…. More, more, more, more, more-"_

Eli refused to open his eyes as the radio started playing, even though he knew what would come next.

"And that was Mr. Billy Idol with _Rebel Yell_," said the DJ in a booming voice and Eli wanted to laugh at his father's voice. "Wake up, sleepy heads, and enjoy the good ol' music that _moi_, the one and only Bullfrog, is playing for you. First day of school for most kids today, and if I could give you a piece of advice I would say, "_We don't need no education_-"

Eli turned off his radio clock and lay on his back, his eyes still closed. He tried to clear his mind, but he couldn't… he could only think of two things.

His back was _killing_ him. And he needed to write something down.

He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling as he thought of a quick way to stop the constant pain, a low groan escaping his lips. Eli glanced at his watch and realized that he hadn't slept more than two hours, which didn't shock him. He grabbed the journal that was on his nightstand and found a pen under his pillow, wanting to pour his soul out in a sentence.

_Secret # 234- it hurts in a different way now, _he scribbled on a random page. He really had no order for his thoughts, since his writing and mind were a united chaos, and pain couldn't be organized. He threw the journal aside and sighed, knowing that he would have to get up eventually. He just wanted to lie there until the end of time, until his lungs stopped working… until his heart stopped.

He sat on his bed slowly, cringing as pain stabbed his lower back, and his hands gripped the comforter tightly.

A hoarse sob echoed in the room, and it took Eli a moment to realize that the desperate cry came from him. He blinked as the acid tears started rolling down his cheeks, wanting to forget about the pain and misery he was going through.

_Secret # 32- I want to stop crying. _

He blinked and stood up slowly as he walked over to his window, noticing that it was a bright, sunny day outside. He wondered how it was possible for the weather to be so nice outside while everything inside him felt like infinite darkness.

Eli touched the glass with his fingertips cautiously, afraid to break it. He didn't know his own strength anymore, and he was afraid to destroy things… just because he was being destroyed.

"Eli, are you awake?" asked a soft female voice from the other side of the door. Eli wiped his tears hastily and tried to walk over to the door in a normal fashion so CeCe wouldn't suspect a thing.

He was not only a professional liar, but he was an astounding actor as well.

"Hey," he yawned casually as he opened the door, his mother standing there with a loving smile on her face.

"I didn't hear you come in last night, baby boy," said CeCe, sounding concerned. "Why did they keep you working so late? And you start school today…"

"We had lot of freight," shrugged Eli, the mere action causing him pain. "But Donovan promised that he won't ask me to work the graveyard shift again, not during school days."

"Good, otherwise I will have to talk to him," said CeCe mockingly. "I made some coffee, you need to be alert today!"

Bullfrog and Cece thought that a new school might change his attitude, that it would be a breath of fresh air. Degrassi was also a public school, meaning that the burden of paying the bill for a private school was quite the relief for his parents. Bills kept piling up, and Eli just wanted to help them out and never complain.

_Secret # 45- Nothing can make me forget. Nothing. _

Eli swallowed hard as he tried to bite back the words he desperately wanted to say. CeCe smiled at him and patted him on the head, chuckling softly. She leaned in to give him a hug but he took a step back, causing his mother to raise an eyebrow at him.

"I know that transferring to public school is not the best thing ever," she said in a motherly tone, still looking concerned. "But you know, with your grandfather dying and the bills and all… I know we put an unwanted burden on your shoulders with our economic situation, and I-"

"It's okay," shrugged Eli, his heart aching at the sound of the guilt in his mother's voice. "I don't mind working or going to a public school. Really."

CeCe smiled brightly at him and Eli knew that she still wanted to give him a hug, but he kept his distance. "Well then," sighed CeCe happily. "I'll cook something fast before you go school! I'm so excited for you!"

Eli wanted to raise his arms in mock celebration but the pain was too much to handle, so he contented himself with a derisive snort and a smirk. His mother walked away and he looked after her, wondering how long he would be able to keep his double life a secret.

As he walked into the bathroom and took off his clothes, he got a glimpse of himself in the mirror. The bruises were covering his chest, his stomach, and he cringed when he saw one of the bruises starting to turn yellow. Smaller bruises decorated his collarbone, the bruises shaped like fingertips, and he started shaking.

_Secret # 13- Bruises are memories, and memories are lies. Lies will save you and secrets will keep you alive. _

Eli walked into the shower and made sure that the water was scalding hot, wanting to wash away his pain. As soon as the water hit him he yelped loudly, the water hitting all of his bruises and scabs and making them burn.

He started scrubbing his body manically, knowing that no amount of soap or water would get rid of the disgust he felt for himself. He watched as the water went down the drain, hypnotized by the swirling motion. He felt guilty for not letting his mother hug him, but he didn't want anyone to touch him ever again. He remembered how he pushed Julia away with his secrets, how he didn't her to touch him... how he ruined their relationship with his lies.

Yes, he was good at keeping secrets.

But those secrets were slowly killing him.

_**Later**_

"Breathe," he mumbled to himself as he walked down the hallway, clutching the straps of his backpack nervously. He glanced around, and he noticed people staring at him, as they had never seen a guy wearing all black before. He could hear them whispering "hearse" and "death," and he wished that Julia was there with him holding his hand.

But Julia was dead, just like everything he had ever enjoyed or loved. He found his English classroom and walked in, avoiding looking at people. Eli sat down quickly, looking down and staring at his fingernails. Students kept walking in; some of them glanced at him and he really just wanted the day to be over. He looked through his backpack and grabbed a black marker, doodling on his fingernails absentmindedly.

Eli noticed the bookshelves that were glued to the walls and smirked condescendingly at some of the featured titles. Nothing but the regular must-read-in-high-school stuff, and he rolled his eyes as he thought of having to read _Lord of the Flies_ again.

He saw a small bruise on his wrist and immediately covered it with his sleeve, furious at his stupidity. The bruises were not supposed to be seen, ever, and he cursed under his breath as his head started hurting.

_Look at all these bruises, Elijah… they are so beautiful. _

Eli shivered and decided to focus on the people in the classroom instead, and the moment he glanced at the person sitting next to him, his heart stopped.

The girl sitting at the nearby desk couldn't be real… it just wasn't possible. She was too beautiful.

She was reading a Paulo Coelho novel, her eyes fixed on the book as her lips moved soundlessly. Her brown curls seemed carved to perfection as she ran her free hand through them, and then… she briefly glanced at him.

She looked away fast, but not before Eli noticed the intensity of her blue eyes, the way a nervous smile lurked her lips before looking away. His mind was in frenzied disarray, and he couldn't stop looking at her.

The girl reached for her pocket and pulled out her cell phone, a mischievous look on her face. Eli decided to finally stop studying her, and he focused again on his fingernails, trying to ignore the erratic beats of his troubled heart.

Eli swallowed as seconds turned into minutes, and he couldn't help but glance at the girl again. But the seat was empty, and the room felt suddenly cold. He wondered if he had imagined her, if his mind was finally giving up, and he twitched his lips in disappointment.

She was gone.

Eli tried to focus in the class and listen to Miss Dawes, the teacher, but he kept looking over at the empty desk beside him. He also kept thinking about the night before, the screaming, the pain, and the bruises... He raised his hand and asked for a hall pass; he just needed to leave the classroom and breathe, breathe because he felt that he was dying in front of everybody but nobody really cared.

He walked down the hallway and felt grateful that it was deserted; he wasn't sure that he would be able to tolerate more stares and whispers. How was he supposed to survive an entire school year in such an environment? He could easily drop out of school and continue working for Donovan and-

Giggles interrupted his thoughts and he frowned as he turned around the corner, curiosity taking control of him.

"This is so wrong."

"But that whore deserves it, for stealing your boyfriend. And it's not like we're going to get caught… who would suspect you?"

The girl in his English class was standing in front of a locker, another girl giggling next to her. Both of them were holding thick red markers in their hands and they were writing on the locker, the stench of permanent marker irritating Eli's nostrils.

"Shit!" said the other girl, her long black hair suddenly a blur as she started running away at the sight of Eli.

"Alli, wait!" the other girl cried, looking confused. She turned around and saw him, her blue eyes widening in utter shock.

"Oh."

They both stared at each other for one long minute, and then the girl dropped the marker. The sound of it hitting the floor echoed throughout the hallway, and Eli felt simply amused at the obvious terror on the girl's face.

He walked over to her, the girl seemingly paralyzed with fear, and Eli picked up the marker from the floor. He glanced at the locker and smirked when he read the words scribbled on it.

_Homewrecker_

_Your singing sucks! _

"A little PG-13 with the insults, huh," commented Eli, handing the marker back to the girl.

"I… have to go…" she breathed, and ran off, leaving Eli standing all by himself.

The bell rang and his eyes followed the disappearing silhouette of the girl with the haunting eyes. The marker was still in his hand as the students started walking out of the classrooms and he pocketed it at once, walking away from the lockers as fast as he could.

Another secret, another day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This story is inspired and based on the fanfic "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By" (not a Degrassi fanfic, and it's not on this site), which was written by nepenthe_ at LiveJournal.**

**Author's note: thanks for the reviews! :) this chapter may or may not answer some of your questions, just hang in there. :)**

"_They said 'if you don't let it out, you're gonna let it eat you away.' Well, I'd rather be a cannibal, baby… animals like me don't talk anyway."_

_**The Calendar, Panic! At The Disco**_

_**The next day**_

_**Clare**_

"… _And I must repeat, these actions will not go unpunished. If any of you know something about or saw those who defaced Miss Middleton's locker, please come forward and let me know. I will not tolerate this juvenile behavior in Degrassi."_

Clare and Alli looked at each other as they sat down, placing their lunch trays on the table. Clare could almost feel all eyes on her, as if everybody knew that Principal Simpson was talking about them. Jenna had already thrown her several dirty looks every time they saw each other in the hallway, and Clare was getting a headache. She wondered how long it would take for the black-haired boy to tell on them, and she knew that her parents would be less than pleased at her behavior.

It seemed like a brilliant idea when Alli had mentioned it, and Clare just wanted some sort of revenge. She still had some feelings for K.C, and it annoyed her that Jenna had gotten away with everything, not caring about who got hurt in the process.

"Hello there, my petty criminals," said Adam placidly as he joined them at the table. "Enjoying your few days of freedom before you get caught? Tsk, tsk, here I am, hanging out with outlaws. Remind me why we're friends again…"

"Because we are the only ones who don't get annoyed by your eating habits," said Clare sarcastically, and Adam put his hand on his chest, pretending to be in pain.

"Ouch, you hurt me, Edwards," he mocked. "My poor teenage heart can't handle all of this. Maybe I should stop hanging out with you two, you're always causing me pain."

"I don't want to talk to you right now," snapped Alli. "You bailed on us. I thought that we were all supposed to be in this together."

Adam scoffed and started eating his sandwich, chewing slowly. "Well," he said after swallowing. "I never agreed with this moronic plan to begin with. You girls were the ones who wanted to act all rebellious and stuff. Of course you were going to get caught and- Clare?"

Clare was looking over at one of the tables, and Alli quickly noticed who she was looking at.

"You need to go and talk to him," muttered Alli angrily.

"I'll wait until later… we do have an English class together after all."

"Clare Edwards, you heard Simpson's announcement. You need to talk to that guy before he says anything! He saw us and he's the only who knows that we-"

Adam dropped his sandwich on the tray, his mouth open in disbelief. "Someone saw you? I did not know this!"

Alli waved her hand dismissively, still staring at Clare. "Do it. Now."

"Okay, okay," said Clare impatiently. She stood up slowly, flattening her skirt as she walked over to the table where the boy was sitting. He was reading a book and didn't seem to notice her presence, and Clare feared that she wouldn't be able to speak.

She cleared her throat loudly and the boy looked up slowly, his green eyes making her feel breathless at once. She noticed the dark circles under his eyes, the tired lines around his mouth, and she wanted to run away. He didn't seem to be eating lunch, the only objects on the table being a few books and what looked like a journal.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hello," he said dryly, his hands still holding the book.

"Mind if I sit down?" asked Clare, a little hesitant at his coldness.

"I'm reading," the boy drawled. "But go ahead."

Clare sat down tentatively, watching the boy read, and she drummed her fingers nervously on the table. A few minutes went by, and the boy wasn't saying a word, making the entire situation extremely awkward.

"I still have your marker," the boy said casually, not looking up.

"About that…" started Clare, and the boy looked at her.

"Don't worry about it," he said, a smirk on his face. "I heard the principal's announcement too. I won't say a word."

He closed the book and he pressed his lips shut, as if considering something. Clare waited uneasily, not letting herself feel relieved before the matter was completely settled.

"I don't tolerate bullying though," he explained. "And what you did was some sort of bullying… that's all I have to say. But again, you know your reasons and I can't really judge."

"It was a mistake," blurted Clare, blushing immediately. "I was –am- mad at her, but it was a mistake, doing that. So childish."

The boy shrugged and yawned, covering his mouth with his hand. "Sorry," he said apologetically. "I'm not yawning at your story… I'm just tired."

Clare smiled emphatically and glanced at the book in the boy's hands, her stomach lurching pleasantly at the sight. "_Nothing of me is original_," she quoted, noticing the cover.

"_I'm the combined effort of everybody I've ever known_," the boy finished, looking impressed. "Huh. You don't seem like the kind of person who would like Palahniuk."

"His writing is disturbing at times, but I really enjoy his books," said Clare sheepishly. "I like how he writes human darkness in a very chaotic yet realistic way."

"Must be nice to be able to read about darkness and just forget it about it as soon as you finish the book," the boy mumbled.

"Sorry?" asked Clare, tucking one of her curls behind her ear.

"Nothing," the boy said brightly. "I'm Eli."

"Like the prophet," smiled Clare.

"Like my grandfather," chuckled Eli.

"My name is Clare," she said, her hand still lingering in the back of her ear. "I'm in your English class."

"Really?" asked Eli, raising an eyebrow. "I didn't see you yesterday. Oh, wait, I did see you… But you sneaked out to commit a dreadful crime."

"I really appreciate your silence," said Clare gratefully, and she noticed a flicker of distrust in Eli's eyes. "Okay, maybe that didn't sound right but-"

The bell rang, bringing the small conversation to an end. Eli started picking up his books in a hurried manner, not looking at her.

"Sorry if I upset you in any way," said Clare concernedly.

"You appreciate my silence, I get it," he said brusquely, and Clare didn't understand where Eli's sudden anger came from. "I'm great at keeping secrets, _Clare_. See you in English… I guess."

Eli walked away quickly, carrying his books haphazardly, and Clare just watched him leave, feeling absolutely confused.

_**Eli**_

He couldn't explain why he was feeling so furious at Clare; after all, it wasn't like she knew what was going through his mind.

_Silence is one your qualities, isn't it. You're a pro at keeping secrets. _

He wanted to punch something, anything to keep the pain and the darkness away. But he couldn't afford to have a breakdown in the middle of his English class, so he contented himself by burying his fingernails in his forearm, almost making himself bleed.

_Secret # 70, silence is a burden. _

Eli noticed when Clare took the seat next to him, and he could almost feel the nervousness irradiating from her, which made him feel guilty about his attitude.

"Hey, sorry if I was a dick to you earlier," he mumbled at Clare. She looked at him and shook her head, a smile on her lips.

Clare's smile brought some sort of comfort to Eli's heart, and this surprised him. He had been so focused on _**not**_ feeling, of keeping emotions at bay… and this girl he barely knew was suddenly making him feel again.

No, he couldn't allow it.

"So, do you want your marker back?" asked Eli awkwardly, rubbing his knees with his slightly sweaty palms.

"Not really," chuckled Clare. "The more I think about it, the more I think how stupid I was."

Clare buried her face in her hands and Eli patted her on the back uneasily. She jumped, not expecting his touch, and he immediately removed his hand, burying it in his pocket.

_His face against the concrete, the taste of blood in his mouth. A hand pressed against his shoulder blade, digging in…. breaking him…_

"Sorry, sorry, I wasn't trying to hurt you," he apologized. "Really, I'm so sorry."

"You didn't hurt me," giggled Clare, and Eli felt relieved. "I just didn't expect that. But thanks for trying to make me feel better about my idiotic behavior."

"Yeah, right," he laughed nervously, running his fingers through his hair. Their eyes met, and it seemed like Clare was able to look through his wall, through all of his secrets, and he had to break eye contact.

"Are you feeling okay?" asked Clare. "You look kind of distraught."

"I'm feeling all right," lied Eli. "Just getting used to this new school and all."

Clare smiled playfully at him and her lips parted slightly. "_When you don't share your problems_," she said. "_You resent hearing the problems of other people_."

Eli leaned in and smirked at her, recognizing the quote at once. "I think you're trying to impress me," he sneered. "Quoting Palahniuk will get you nowhere, graffiti vandal."

_Why are you flirting with her?_ his mind was screaming. _Why are you smiling at her? Why are you even talking to her? _

"Funny," said Clare, sticking out her tongue at him.

Eli couldn't stop smirking, not even when Miss Dawes started talking. Clare kept sneaking glances at him; her cheeks bright red, and Eli forgot for a moment that he was supposed to work later that night.

He only focused on Clare, and his life seemed normal for once.

_**Later**_

He could feel the anxiety growing inside of him as he stepped out of the hearse, the gravel crunching underneath his feet. He walked slowly, trying to delay the inevitable, and he saw several of his coworkers already unloading boxes.

"Goldsworthy, hey!" said Matt, a lively middle-aged man. "You're early."

"Yeah, I know," shrugged Eli, walking closer to the man. "A lot of freight today?"

"Not really," admitted Matt. "Just a few hundred boxes. You might get to leave early today, with school and all."

Eli looked at Matt with a quizzical expression and Matt just shook his head. The lies they shared were just another form of bonding, just another form of avoiding reality.

"Elijah!"

Eli tensed up at once, and he felt the stares of his coworkers, the pity in their eyes. Nobody ever said anything, but Eli knew that they were all aware of what was really happening.

But they didn't really care, they were used to it. It had been going on for almost two years and nobody cared. And they kept quiet about everything.

_Secret # 82, they say they like you but they will ignore you when you scream for help. _

Donovan was walking over to them with a huge smile in his face, as if he hadn't seen Eli in a long time. "You're here!" he said, shaking Eli's hand. "How's school so far? DO you like your new school?"

"It's all right," slurred Eli, briefly thinking of Clare. "So, I'm just going to help the guys with the boxes and-"

But Donovan raised his hand and Eli stopped talking at once, knowing that his speech would be pointless. "Let's go and sort out some paperwork first," grinned Donovan. "You're so good at that."

Eli wanted to throw up, but he kept his mouth shut and followed Donovan, shooting Matt a pleading look. Matt just looked away and continued unloading boxes, and Eli felt all alone.

_Secret #1, it all started the first time I had a fight with Julia, two months before she died. I guess I should rephrase that. It all __**ended**__ that night. _

They walked into Donovan's office, the floor already cleared, and Eli dug his hands in his pockets. Donovan walked around and made sure the door was locked, and he just stood in the middle of the floor, smiling at Eli.

"I remember the first time Bullfrog brought you here," he said, sighing loudly. "You were around two years old and you destroyed this office. How ironic."

Eli looked at him and said nothing, still trying to contain the bile that was rising in his throat. He would never get used to it, no matter how much he tried.

"It sucks that you're not able to work graveyard shifts anymore," said Donovan sorrowfully, moving closer to Eli. "I'll have to let you go early today."

"School," blurted Eli. "School is more important."

"Right," pointed Donovan. "You could use the money, though. God knows that your grandfather left you guys a lot of debt… oh, well."

Eli could tell that Donovan was tired of the chit chat, and he drew breath, waiting.

"Turn around," said Donovan, his voice suddenly low and dark.

Eli obeyed and waited, his heart pounding inside his chest. He closed his eyes and thought of Clare, her brilliant smile and cheerful laughter. He thought about how concerned she looked about her "mischief" being discovered, and he knew that she was a good girl.

"Take off your shirt."

Eli still had his eyes closed, and thought about Clare quoting Palahniuk as he took off his shirt, his bruises exposed. He felt Donovan's fist hit him in his lower back and he fell on his knees, gasping for breath. _Think about something else,_ he thought desperately, staring at the floor.

He wondered if Clare liked Vonnegut as well, and made a mental note of asking her. He needed a friend, he had lost most of them after Julia's death, and sometimes he just wanted someone to talk to.

"Fight back."

Donovan's fingers were burying deep in Eli's waist, as if he wanted to rip his insides out, and Eli mumbled incoherently under his breath, tears stinging his eyes. Eli tried to stand up and hit Donovan as he turned around, but the older man hit him hard in the stomach, making Eli fall on his back.

Eli lay there, breathing hard as he stared at the ceiling, and he could hear Donovan's ragged breath. Eli knew what was next and he closed his eyes again, shaking with fear.

He thought of Clare sticking out her tongue at him, making everything around him disappear suddenly, and his mind was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This story is inspired and based on the fanfic "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By" (not a Degrassi fanfic, and it's not on this site), which was written by nepenthe_ at LiveJournal. Palahniuk quotes referenced in this story do not belong to me. **

**Author's note: This story is now rated M, due to some flashbacks described in this chapter. Thanks again for your reviews. A scene in this chapter is dedicated to musiksnob, because she mentioned something about ice cream in her review. **

"_Pray for wooden floors, we will all have bad dreams underneath, underneath the dripping sink... after all the ringing is gone to bed. And I swear all the eye saw the white, it's haunting me. I'm always waking up screaming... where have you left me this time?"_

_**Lions, Samantha Crain **_

_**Eli**_

"_Whoa, whoa, Elijah, slow down!"_

_Eli wiped the sweat from his forehead and started angrily at Donovan, who was walking over to him in a panicked manner. Eli was mad at the world, but especially at Julia, who seemed to be the most impatient girlfriend ever. _

"_That is no way of treating these boxes," pointed Donovan, and Eli could almost hear his coworkers snickering. "Come to my office, come on."_

_Eli stomped away as he followed Donovan, still thinking about his fight with Julia. Why was she so stubborn? True, they had similar personalities, which made their fighting quite complicated, but Eli hated drama, especially when it involved his girlfriend._

_They entered Donovan's office and Eli's boss raised an eyebrow at him as he closed the door, waiting for an explanation. _

"_Do you mind telling me why you're so pissed off today?" barked Donovan. "Aside from the fact that you're fourteen?"_

_Eli shrugged and crossed his arms, not saying a word._

"_Problems with the lady friend?" sneered Donovan. "Bullfrog told me you have a girlfriend... women. More trouble than they're worth."_

"_Yeah," agreed Eli bitterly. _

_Donovan stood there in silence, and then walked over to Eli with a shrewd smile on his face. "Elijah, you need an outlet for all this teenage angst."_

_Eli looked at him and felt slightly uncomfortable at Donovan's closeness, but he was Bullfrog's childhood friend after all, so Eli thought nothing of it. Donovan ran his fingers through his own gray, thinning hair, still smiling. _

"_Hit me," breathed Donovan._

_Eli's eyes widened in confusion as Donovan put his hands on his shoulders, his fingers digging into Eli's skin. Eli could smell Donovan's unpleasant breath, but for some reason he couldn't move. _

"_Excuse me?" blurted Eli nervously._

"_Hit me, Elijah. Punch me. Do something."_

_Eli started shaking with terror as Donovan pressed a finger against his jaw forcefully, and he punched the man in the stomach. Donovan started laughing at Eli's weak punch and pushed him, making Eli trip._

_"Help!" yelled Eli. "He-"_

"No!"

Eli sat on his bed, his sheets soaked in sweat and his head aching, the whole room spinning around him. He swallowed over and over, trying to get rid of the taste of bile inside of his mouth. His heart was slowing down, but his eyes kept looking around for any sight of Donovan, until he realized that he was all alone in his room.

Eli glanced at his radio clock and groaned when he noticed that it was three in the morning. There was no point in going back to sleep, so he decided to take a shower. He stood up slowly, his whole body in pain, and walked over to the bathroom quietly.

He took off his oversized t-shirt, and as he started tugging on his boxers, he couldn't help but look at the mirror. His face looked normal except for the dark circles under his eyes, and he sighed with relief. His eyes then darted to his chest, and he tried not to throw up.

The new bruises looked disgusting to Eli, he hated the way the purple and red colors blemished his skin. There was a section above his lower half where a huge bruise was starting to turn green, and he couldn't look anymore. He could only imagine what his back looked like...

"_I... this is not right-"_

"_Quiet! Stop breathing, Elijah. Stop breathing for me."_

_Donovan's arms suddenly wrapped around him, crushing him, and Eli couldn't breathe. _

Eli couldn't stop it anymore and he threw up in the sink, the bile burning his throat as he held on to the counter. After a couple minutes the vomiting finally stopped, and Eli was trying to catch his breath, hoping that his parents were still asleep.

He didn't want to bother anyone with his problems, and after all, Donovan was right. Nobody would ever believe him... because Eli had done nothing to stop it. He was now a 16 year-old who had let everything happen without a real fight for almost two years, and nobody would ever think he was a victim.

Eli stepped into the shower, making sure the water was hot, and tried to forget about Donovan's strong arms around him. He tried to forget how Donovan held him brutally close, as if he wanted to break every single bone in Eli's body, getting off with Eli's yelps of pain.

_Secret # 4, I don't want anyone to hug me because it only reminds me of him. _

_**Clare**_

"Clare, it would be really nice if you paid attention to what I'm saying," scoffed Alli irritably.

Clare looked away from Eli's table and looked back at her best friend, who had her arms crossed and an annoyed look on her face.

"Sorry," mumbled Clare before focusing on her lunch, noticing how Adam had a huge smirk on his face.

"I think Clare has a crush," mocked Adam. "But I'll let you girls discuss the girly details. I'm just making an observation."

"I do not!" complained Clare. "He just seemed... weird yesterday, and I was wondering if he's doing all right."

Alli scoffed again, and Adam couldn't stop chuckling. "Hey, Alli, just because my brother isn't giving you the time of day-"

"Shut up," snapped Alli, making Clare giggle. "Well, why don't you go ask him? You know, ask if he's feeling better?"

"I... I don't know," blushed Clare.

"Come on," insisted Adam. "It's time to move on... Mr. Flippy Flop Hair is in the past, he's too busy making out with Taylor Swift's pirated version... you should go ahead and talk to that guy."

"Yes!" said Alli, sounding more cheerful. "And you should ask him to come hang out with us after school."

"Ask him out?" gasped Clare. "No, no, we haven't even known each other for a day and you guys are telling me to ask him out?"

Alli and Adam smiled knowingly at her, and Alli placed her hand over Clare's. "You're not marrying this guy, you're just trying to be a nice girl, since he's new and all," grinned Alli. "And he is kind of cute, in an I-might-be-a-serial-killer-but-look-at-my-eyes kind of way."

"Accurate description," snorted Adam. "Your wit amazes me sometimes, Alli."

"I try," winked Alli. "Also, we kind of owe him for being all quiet about our little mishap, you know?"

"I'll talk to him during English," said Clare finally, feeling butterflies in her stomach. "But I won't ask him out."

"Boo, party pooper," chuckled Alli, causing Adam to start choking on his apple juice, and Clare just rolled her eyes at her friends. She kept glancing at Eli, who was concentrated on reading a book, and wondered if she would be able to talk to him at all.

_**Later**_

"Hi."

Clare's voice came across as a squeak as she took her seat next to Eli's and she mentally kicked herself for acting like such an idiot in front of him.

"Hey there," said Eli, giving her a tired smile.

"How are you?" asked Clare, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Tired from work, but that's everyday life for me," chuckled Eli, putting his books away.

"Oh, do you work every day?" asked Clare curiously, wondering if that was the reason why Eli seemed so tired and reserved. Maybe he worked too much.

"Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays," yawned Eli. "I work at a warehouse, so it's pretty exhausting even if I don't work every day."

"Sounds like it," said Clare kindly.

"But enough about me," said Eli merrily, looking at her in the eye. "How are _you_?"

"I'm okay... trying to stay out of trouble," she smiled. "I'm trying to read some new books because I'm bored to death whenever I have to spend the afternoon at home."

"What, no siblings to annoy the hell out of you?" mocked Eli.

"I have an older sister, Darcy, but she's in Kenya, volunteering," shrugged Clare. "And my parents got divorced recently, so my mother joined Darcy and I live with my dad... who is almost never around because of work."

Clare realized that she was talking too much, so she bit her lower lip and looked away, feeling embarrassed. "Sorry, I'm sure you weren't expecting such a long story," she apologized.

"It's okay, I'm a good listener," said Eli sincerely. "I like knowing that I'm not the only person with problems, you know?"

"You're a good listener and you're good at keeping secrets," giggled Clare. "Admirable qualities, my friend."

"It's all part of my evil plan to make girls love me," smirked Eli. "Just kidding, really."

"Ah, well, your evil plan has no effect on me whatsoever," retorted Clare.

"And yet, you're still talking to me," said Eli mockingly, a hint of cockiness in his voice.

"Not anymore," huffed Clare playfully, and looked away. Eli snorted as Miss Dawes walked in and they both exchanged glances, making Clare's heart flutter at once. She didn't know why she felt so nervous around him, especially when he acted so calm and cocky in front of her. She knew that Alli and Adam were right, she had a crush on Eli, and the acknowledgment of the fact was a bit of a surprise to Clare.

She wasn't a boy-crazy girl, not at all. As a matter of fact, she had vowed to stay away from boy drama until graduation, because she didn't want to go through another K.C/Jenna situation. But it seemed that the little act of revenge she planned with Alli had ruined it all.

Miss Dawes started talking, but Clare wasn't really paying attention. She scribbled something at the bottom of her notebook and tore off the piece of paper, handing it discreetly to Eli. She looked at him as he unfolded the note, waiting for a reaction. Eli merely raised an eyebrow and grabbed his pen, scribbling back.

The note was soon on Clare's desk and she opened it tentatively with bated breath, reading her own writing first.

_Are you doing anything after school? I was wondering if you wanted to join me and my friends for some coffee. _

Her eyes went down to Eli's response, ready for rejection.

_Ha, my evil plan worked. Sure, why not?_

Clare cleared her throat and looked over at Eli, who was staring curiously at her. She noticed the sudden fear in his eyes, but Eli blinked and gave her a warm smile.

Maybe she was reading too much into everything, she thought, and she smiled back .

_**Later**_

Clare felt her face lighten up as soon as Eli walked into the Dot, earning mocking looks from Alli and Adam.

"Should we start planning the wedding?" whispered Alli.

"You guys can plan, I'll just show up and eat," chuckled Adam.

"Hey," said Eli shyly as he stood next to the table, and Adam and Alli started sipping on their drinks, shaking with silent laughter. Clare glared at them as Eli sat next to her, and Alli and Adam managed to control themselves.

"Hi," said Clare in the same shy manner, her heart racing at Eli's proximity. "Um, this is Alli and this is Adam... guys, this is Eli."

"The hearse-driving dude," said Adam approvingly, and Eli nodded.

"Hey, thanks again for not saying anything," said Alli, sounding extremely grateful. "My parents would have flipped! I'm glad you kept quiet."

Eli stiffened at Alli's words and Clare was reminded of his reaction when she said similar words the day before. He seemed pretty uncomfortable as Alli continued to speak, and Clare's immediate reaction was to hold Eli's hand under the table.

He tensed up more, if possible, but when he turned to look at Clare, his expression softened and he seemed to relax. Eli squeezed Clare's hand gently, their eyes saying everything but nothing at the same time, and Clare had to look away.

Alli and Adam continued talking, unaware of the inexplicable event that was happening under the table, right in front of them. Eli's hand was trembling slightly, and Clare found it amusing , that she wasn't the only one who was nervous.

"So," said Adam finally, noticing how silent Eli and Clare were. "Are we ordering or...?"

"Actually," said Alli, grabbing her purse. "I completely forgot ... I have to go pick up this thing at the place, yeah."

Adam glanced at Alli, who shot him a meaningful look. "Oh! That thing!" said Adam suddenly. "Oh, do you want me to go with you?"

"That would be great!" said Alli, her voice a bit too high. "You guys don't mind, do you? I mean, Eli can surely give you a ride home, right, Clare?"

Clare narrowed her eyes at her friends as she realized what they were doing, but Eli just started chuckling, still holding Clare's hand. "I can do that," he said, and Adam and Alli stood up at once.

"Well then," said Alli. "Nice meeting you, Eli. Take care of our Clare-bear."

"I will try," smirked Eli, and Clare was still silent, feeling completely embarrassed at the situation. Alli and Adam left quickly, and Clare cursed under her breath, not daring to look at Eli.

"That was pretty smooth," mocked Eli, looking over at Clare. "You look almost green... are you okay?"

"I didn't plan this!" blurted Clare, wanting to cry. "I swear, I didn't know they were going to leave us and-"

"Clare... I know," interrupted Eli. "No offense, but you don't seem like the kind of girl who would trick me into a date."

_Date?,_ thought Clare, horrified. _Oh, is this a date?_

"Not that this is a date," continued Eli, reading her thoughts. He let go of Clare's hand and placed his own on the table, looking around. "Do you want to get some ice cream and just drive around? I don't really like sitting in one place."

"Um, sure," said Clare, still not looking at him.

"Come on," he smiled, standing up and extending his hand. Clare took it, and she followed him, blushing as their fingers intertwined.

_**Later**_

"I will always like Vonnegut better than Palahniuk," said Clare, eating the remains of her cone.

"Because Vonnegut was slightly more optimistic," said Eli sardonically, wiping his hand on his jeans as he drove. "But Palahniuk manages to make heroes out of fucked-up people. Look at Tyler Durden!"

"Vonnegut had Kilgore Trout," interjected Clare as Eli stopped at a traffic light. "Trout was insane but everything he said made sense!"

"Durden had a point as well," noted Eli stubbornly. "Ah, I needed this."

Clare licked her lips and smiled at him. "What?"

"A nice, in-depth conversation about things I actually care about," said Eli as the light turned green. "This was nice."

"Yeah... it was," admitted Clare, feeling all warm. "Even though I did most of the talking, ha. I wish you would talk more! Makes me feel like I'm boring you."

"You're not," said Eli. "You actually manage to put a smile on my face... not an easy task, actually."

Both of them chuckled nervously and Clare told Eli where to turn when they arrived to her street. Eli parked in front of Clare's house and she tried to unbuckle the seatbelt, unsuccessfully.

"Oh," said Eli, unbuckling his. "I keep forgetting to fix it, hold on."

He moved closer to Clare and fumbled with the buckle, and she just looked at him. He was close, too close, and she held her breath as Eli mumbled something about how old everything was.

"This is not embarrassing at all," sneered Eli, and looked up. The tip of their noses brushed, the green and blue of their eyes seemed to become a convoluted mess, and the air in the hearse was suddenly thick with tension.

Eli's hands were still trying to fix the seatbelt, but his eyes were fixed on Clare, and she felt his breath on her lips. She felt dizzy, she didn't know what to do... but Clare wanted Eli to kiss her. She felt shocked at her bold thoughts, especially because they didn't know each other that well.

_Click._

"There," said Eli, sounding slightly breathless.

"Thanks," gasped Clare.

Eli gave her a nervous smirk as he moved away, setting his shaking hands on the steering wheel.

"I'll see you tomorrow then?" asked Clare, her voice threatening to give away what she was feeling. Eli wasn't looking at her, but was focusing on his hands instead, and Clare felt her heart drop.

"Yes, sure," said Eli, not sounding too convinced.

"Are you sure you're okay?" insisted Clare. "You can talk to me, you know? And now you have my phone number, so you can call me anytime."

"Thanks, and I'm fine," said Eli quickly. "Just tired. I'm always tired."

Clare looked at him sadly and reached for his hand, touching it briefly. "Okay. Just making sure."

Eli nodded and Clare got out of the hearse, and as she walked to her door, she heard Eli calling her name. Clare turned around and Eli had rolled down the window, a hesitant look on his face.

"_Most times_," he said. "_It's just a lot easier not to let know the world what's wrong_."

They both looked at each other as Clare analyzed Palahniuk's quote and Eli's overall expression of wretchedness, and she just nodded at him.

"Bye," she said softly, and Eli drove away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This story is inspired and based on the fanfic "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By" (not a Degrassi fanfic, and it's not on this site), which was written by nepenthe_ at LiveJournal.**

**Author's note: Yeah, I know Eli is older than Adam but in this fic he's not. They're the same age. Sue me. No, wait, don't, I'm a broke journalist. :/ **

**WARNING: Eli's POV might be disturbing, so… yeah. Just wanted to point that out. **

_**Clare**_

She tried to focus on the book she was reading, but she simply couldn't. She looked around the library and sighed deeply, trying to get rid of the thoughts going through her head.

Eli worried her in more ways than one. She was worried about his silence, about how he avoided certain questions, but most importantly, she was worried about her feelings for him.

It felt more than just a crush, and she was scared of it. Because they had just met, and still…

Her pocket started vibrating and she felt grateful for the interruption, Eli's green eyes still etched in her mind.

_You have a free period right now, right?_

Clare texted Adam back, her fingers typing slowly as she glanced lazily at the screen. It was just the first week back, but she already had tons of homework, and she tried not to panic. She set her phone on the table and continued reading, trying to organize her thoughts.

Her phone vibrated again and she set her book aside impatiently, making up her mind to turn off her phone after replying to Adam's text.

_I'm at gym right now and you should come over. I have something important to tell you. It's about Eli. Hurry._

Clare considered what to do, and she wondered if Adam had talked to Eli or something else had happened. She grabbed her books and shoved them quickly in her backpack, almost running out of the library, and she ran her hand nervously through her hair.

She was walking fast, the people walking past her looking like a complete blur. There was something in the tone of Adam's text that made her heart heavy with foreboding, although she was sure that she was probably over-analyzing everything.

Clare pushed the gym doors open and held on to her bag, searching for the boys. They were playing dodgeball, and some of the students were already sitting on one of the benches. She saw Eli at once, sitting all by himself on the bleachers, away from everybody. Clare's heart broke at the sight of Eli's face, he looked sad and withdrawn, and she wondered what had happened.

Adam gave Clare a little wave and pointed discreetly at Eli before avoiding getting hit by the ball.

"Hey," said Clare as she sat next to Eli, who looked up slowly at her and then returned to stare at his hands.

"Hi, Edwards," he said, his voice a soft whisper.

"Are you okay?" asked Clare, brushing her hand on his.

"I'm… fine," said Eli, dishonesty ringing in his voice. "I got hit really hard by the ball and my back is killing me. No big deal."

"Do you need to go to the nurse?" insisted Clare.

"I'm fine," he repeated, sounding impatient.

Clare raised an eyebrow, thrown off by Eli's secretive behavior. He wasn't looking at her, and he kept gnawing on his Sharpie-laden fingernails, his breathing slightly shallow.

"Eli," said Clare calmly, and took Eli's hand in hers, removing it from his mouth. He just looked at her, despair shining in his eyes, and he swallowed hard. And it was the way he slid his fingers between hers, the way he was shaking, and Clare realized that something was terribly wrong.

"You can talk to me, you know?" said Clare in a worried tone.

"Yeah, I know," said Eli quietly. Clare placed her head on Eli's shoulder and felt how he tensed up and immediately relaxed, resting his head on hers.

They looked at the others play dodgeball in silence, and Eli's thumb kept caressing Clare's hand gently, his breathing starting to get even again. "I'm just not that great at sports," said Eli finally.

"Me neither," chuckled Clare. "Let's be bad athletes together."

"That sounds like a perfect idea," laughed Eli, and Coach Armstrong blew his whistle.

"Come on, guys, let's hit the locker rooms," he said, calling the people sitting on the bleachers.

"I have to go," said Eli in disappointment. He kept holding on to Clare's hand, as if he didn't want to let go of it. "It sucks that we don't have English today."

"Maybe we can… hang out after school?" suggested Clare bashfully.

"I have to work," groaned Eli. "Can I call you after my shift ends? I work a normal shift today."

"Of course," said Clare as they both let go of their hands rather reluctantly. "It doesn't matter if it's late, please call me."

Their eyes met and Coach Armstrong called them again, and Eli gave Clare a weak smile. "Thanks for sitting here with me," he said.

Clare leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, surprised by her bold move. Eli stared at her; his lips slightly parted in amusement, and then gave her a huge smile.

"See you later," he said, the smile still on his face as he stood up and limped away. Clare rested her chin on her hands as she watched him walk away, still confused. Why did Adam text her? Just to cheer up Eli?

"Yo."

Clare jumped as Adam sat next to her, looking slightly sweaty. "I thought you were supposed to go to the locker room?" asked Clare bemusedly.

"I told the coach that I wanted everybody to leave before I took a shower," explained Adam carelessly. "He understood. Okay, dude, something is going with that kid."

"Such as?" asked Clare curiously.

"See, first of all, he didn't change in front of everyone when we were changing into our gym clothes," said Adam, lowering his voice.

"You don't either," mocked Clare.

"Well, that is because of my peculiar, um, situation," grinned Adam. "But really, I mean… he just hid from everyone and changed. That's weird."

"No, it's not," snorted Clare. "Maybe he's just shy."

"Okay, let's pretend he is," said Adam, rolling his eyes. "But what happened when we started playing… he got hit in the back right away, and he fell to the ground and didn't move. Clare, the ball didn't even hit him that hard."

Adam looked pretty concerned, and Clare decided not to interrupt.

"He just stayed there, face down, and he didn't move," continued Adam. "Coach walked over to him and poked him and he just… screamed."

Clare felt shivers run down her spine and Adam seemed completely terrified as he continued to talk. "He stood up quickly and said '_don't fucking touch me_,'" said Adam, rubbing his eyes with his fingers. "We all stared at him and the coach seemed confused, but Eli just walked away and sat down. It was the weirdest thing."

Adam drew breath and sighed, spilling his guts. "We had a short time-out and I walked over to him, and he was just smiling at me. Like nothing had happened. He's either really fucked up, or he's a great actor, or just crazy."

Clare buried her face in her hands, and Adam placed his hand on Clare's shoulder. "There's something else," he said.

"What?" asked Clare, not sure if she wanted to know.

"When he was on the floor, I got a glimpse of his back," said Adam cautiously. "He had a huge bruise on his lower back… it wasn't caused by the ball, Clare."

Clare's heart started beating faster as her eyes met with Adam's, both of them looking at each other as they realized what Adam's statement meant.

"Has he ever talked about his parents?" asked Adam tentatively.

"No, we…" Clare tried to remember, but in the few conversations she had had with Eli, he rarely talked about himself. It was as if he was trying to hide his life from her, and she never pushed him to talk, afraid to make him uncomfortable.

Was it possible that his parents were abusing him? He always looked so tired, and he was sixteen and working late shifts, and Clare was starting to get a headache just thinking about the possibilities.

"I mean… maybe… I don't know," admitted Adam, throwing his hands helplessly in the air. "Maybe we're just making assumptions. We don't really know the guy, maybe he hurt himself… he works at a warehouse, right?"

"Yeah," said Clare uneasily, still thinking about Adam's words. _We don't really know the guy._

She wanted to, she desperately wanted to, but… No, she didn't know Eli Goldsworthy at all.

_**Eli**_

"Hi there, boy!" said Matt, waving happily as Eli walked over to him.

Eli gave him a noncommittal nod and Matt stared at him in concern. "Are you all right? You should be happy, you have a short shift today," the older man mocked. Matt's face then fell as if he had just remembered something, and he looked away.

"Oh, what now?" snapped Eli.

"He… he is not in a good mood today," muttered Matt, aware of the workers surrounding them. "The ex-wife wants to sue him over something, so…"

Eli panicked slightly at Matt's words, knowing what Donovan's bad mood could create. He had been down that road before, and he started biting on his fingernails again.

"I… I will work an extra shift today," said Matt, glancing around. "Make sure you end your shift well."

"That isn't necessary," said Eli, and he tasted blood. His fingernails were almost nonexistent and one of them started bleeding profusely.

"I'm staying," stated Matt simply, and walked away, barking some orders at some of the guys. Eli stared after Matt and wiped his bloody finger on his black pants, creating an almost invisible stain.

"Elijah!"

Eli turned around quickly, his breath short, and Donovan was staring at him with an angry expression on his face. "You're fucking late!" yelled Donovan.

"I-" Eli glanced at his watch and frowned. He was actually early, but he knew that Donovan was looking for a plausible excuse to call him to his office. Eli glanced at Matt, who had his eyes narrowed, before looking away.

"My office, now!" bellowed Donovan, and Eli followed, dragging his feet.

Things happened incredibly fast as soon as Donovan closed and locked the door, and Eli couldn't breathe. Donovan's arms were crushing him as he held Eli tight, and Eli opened his mouth to breathe, but he couldn't.

"You're a fucking little asshole, you know that, right?" said Donovan in a sinister tone.

"Yes," gasped Eli, and Donovan pressed him against the wall.

"I hate you," breathed Donovan.

Eli couldn't answer, his voice seemed to disappear as Donovan tugged on his shirt. "Take this fucking thing off," growled Donovan, and Eli obeyed quickly. Donovan dug his fingers in Eli's collarbone, causing the latter to let out a strangled cry.

"Does it hurt?" asked Donovan.

Eli nodded, and Donovan dug his fingers in deeper. Eli felt tears stinging his eyes, and he knew that Donovan noticed, because a creepy smile appeared on his lips.

"I want to tear you apart so bad," muttered Donovan, and pressed his lips on the bruises that were starting to appear on Eli's collarbone. "I want to… God, I want to break you. But you're so young, so young, I can't…"

Eli started shaking as Donovan's hands started causing more damage on his chest, and out of nowhere, Donovan punched him in the stomach. Eli fell on his knees, the pain blinding him, and he wanted to run out of there.

"You love it when I touch you, don't you?" yelled Donovan. "Answer me, damn it!"

Eli opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out as he tried to get some air, and Donovan hit him hard on the back. Eli's face was pressed against the floor and he felt Donovan's fists hit his back rapidly, and he started crying.

"Yes, cry like the little girl that you are," cackled Donovan. "What would your father say if he saw you like this? You're such a little bitch, aren't you?"

Eli continued to sob, almost drowning in his own tears, and started to think of all the lies he said to keep the abuse a secret. His lies had caused Julia to distrust him, to accuse him of cheating, to run out of his house and get hit by a car…

Donovan stopped hitting him and Eli tried to breathe calmly, not able to move. His back hurt too much, and he could feel the little spots of flesh that were burning because of Donovan's knuckles.

He heard how Donovan walked away to get a chair; he listened to the sound of Donovan sitting down, the sound of the older man unzipping his pants. Eli couldn't stop sobbing, and he knew that Donovan loved every minute of it.

"Just keep crying… just… keep crying…" said Donovan, his voice barely audible.

Eli wanted to block the sounds of Donovan's pleasure so he thought of Clare instead. He thought of the way her hand felt so warm in his, the way her lips touched his cheek so gently, as if afraid to hurt him. The moment they shared in the gym had meant the world to him, even if he couldn't tell her.

He didn't have anything to offer her. He was a liar, a wimp, and a damaged 16 year-old. Clare was the most beautiful girl he had ever met, and she deserved so much better. She deserved someone who was open and honest, someone who wasn't an actor, someone who didn't fake everything in order to keep his secrets intact.

But he couldn't stop thinking of her eyes, of her scent, and he closed his eyes, thinking only of her… he felt really dizzy… and everything was dark…

"Eli… Eli…open your eyes…"

Eli opened his eyes and noticed that he was wearing his shirt again, that he was lying on his back, and Matt was smiling at him. "Hey, boy," he winked. "Donovan here told me you passed out while he was yelling at you for being late."

"Yeah, sorry," said Donovan, acting like nothing had happened. "I didn't know it would affect you so much, Elijah. I'm sorry. You already seemed exhausted and I think that I just made you feel worse."

"Maybe he should go home," suggested Matt as he helped Eli stand up.

"How long was I…" started Eli.

"Just like five minutes or so," said Donovan calmly, examining the ceiling. Matt shot Donovan a venomous glare, a glare that only Eli noticed. "But yeah, maybe you should go home, Elijah. Take a nap or something."

"O-okay," said Eli, smiling gratefully at Matt.

Eli was walking slowly, not wanting to set off the pain again. Matt patted him gently on the back and Eli tried not to wince, holding his breath.

"I'll see you tomorrow, though," said Donovan, walking over to his desk. "It's Friday, so, remember, graveyard shift."

"Sure, yes," mumbled Eli, and walked out of the office with Matt.

"You passed out for more than an hour, I think," said Matt under his breath as they walked out to the receiving docks. "The guys and I were counting the minutes until you came out, and when you didn't… I got worried and knocked on the door. Donovan sounded freaked out and told me to hold on. He called me twenty minutes later and said that you stopped breathing at some point."

Eli felt shocked at the news, but the only thing he wanted was to go home so he could call Clare and forget about the incident.

"Boy," said Matt as they got closer to Eli's hearse. "You need to tell someone about this."

"Like _you guys_?" asked Eli bitterly. "All of you are aware of what's going on and you don't do anything about it."

"Why don't you quit?" pleaded Matt.

"We need the money," sighed Eli, searching for his keys in his pockets.

"Get another job," insisted Matt, sounding desperate.

"Fuck off, okay?" said Eli angrily, and got into the hearse. He started the engine and saw Matt's wretched face, how defeated he looked. Served him right, they all knew what Donovan was doing to Eli and yet, nothing was done about it.

Eli couldn't tell his parents. They would never believe him. He tried to tell Julia but she wouldn't listen, she chose to believe that the reason why Eli didn't want to touch her or have sex with her anymore was because he was cheating. Maybe everyone was better off not knowing. But…

Somehow Clare made him want to open up, made him want to spill all his secrets without thinking of the consequences, but he knew that he had to keep quiet. He didn't want to scare her away.

He drove away, his eyes focused on the highway, and pain was all he felt.

_**Clare**_

She stared at the ceiling, her phone resting on her stomach. She knew that she shouldn't be waiting for Eli's call, but she couldn't help it. She was worried about him, and she hoped that he was doing okay.

Her phone finally started ringing and she sighed with relief when she saw the caller ID.

"Hi!" she said cheerfully.

"You answered pretty fast," mocked Eli. "Waiting for my call?"

"You wish. How was your shift?"

"I left early. Wasn't feeling too well."

"Yeah, I bet. After gym and all."

"Fuck gym. I hate it."

"You're so proper when you talk, Eli."

"I try, my pretty lady."

Clare started blushing at Eli's words and felt grateful that they weren't in the same room.

"So… what are you doing tomorrow, Eli? Do you work?"

"Eh, graveyard shift. Why?"

"Oh, you'll probably need to sleep then. Never mind."

"Ah, Clare, you are quite mysterious. Tell me."

"Well, my dad usually goes out on Fridays so I was wondering if you wanted to come over after school."

Silence.

"Or not," blurted Clare quickly.

"No, hold on. I was just thinking if I had anything to do before work… sounds fun. Yeah, why not?"

Clare wanted to squeal and scream, but contented herself by biting her pillow.

"Cool. We can work on Miss Dawes' assignment and… maybe I can bake cookies or something. Oh, I'm sounding so lame right now."

"Cookies? Wow, I feel special. I don't care, I just… it would be nice to spend some time together, I guess."

Clare felt all warm inside and she wondered if Eli felt the same way.

"Clare?"

"Yes?"

"I like you, you know."

Clare didn't expect Eli's sudden honesty, and she was at a loss for words.

"I…"

"You don't have to answer. I just wanted to let you know."

"I like you too."

"That's… awesome."

Both of them laughed nervously and Eli changed the subject to books, and soon enough they were both discussing the many flaws of _Pygmy _by Palahniuk, how both of them hated the book.

The conversation went on and on, the darkness engulfing Clare's room after a couple hours, and she never wanted it to end.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This story is inspired and based on the fanfic "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By" (not a Degrassi fanfic, and it's not on this site), which was written by nepenthe_ at LiveJournal.**

**Author's note: Thank you so much for the reviews. This is a touchy subject, I know, so I'm glad you're sticking with me. Also, I'm seeing that a lot of people are losing faith in Eclare, and some readers are afraid that writers will stop writing Eclare fics. I won't. Mostly because I write AU stories, so whatever happens in Drop the World will not affect my storylines for now. **

**I want to thank KaityLoo at twitter for all of her input and insight. **

**Have a nice weekend!**

"_I can only hope it's true enough, that every little thing I do for love, redeems me from the moments I deem worthy of the worst things that I've done… And saves me from myself the times of envy when I'm missing everyone. If I wake in the morning I only need two more miracles to be a saint… "_

_**Oh, Glory, Panic! At The Disco**_

_**Clare**_

She saw Eli standing by his locker and she started smiling at once, her cheeks burning at the sight of him. She walked slowly, feeling how her heart started beating faster and faster.

"Boo," she said cheerfully as she tapped on his shoulder with her hand. Eli turned to look at her and smiled, but there was something off about his expression. Yes, he was smiling, but his eyes showed nothing but sadness, and Clare reached for his hand.

"Where were you during lunch?" asked Clare as Eli broke eye contact.

"I was writing," said Eli simply. "Sorry, I just needed to be away from the crowd and… yeah."

He sounded and looked exhausted, but Clare couldn't help but feel that there was more to it than just tiredness. There was something in his tone that suggested that something dreadful was happening, and Clare wanted him to open up.

"What's wrong?" she asked, and Eli just shrugged as he closed his locker.

"Nothing, just tired," he said, and tugged gently on one of Clare's curls. "But you're here now, so I already feel better. And looking forward to the cookies."

"Admit it, you're just happy you're getting cookies," teased Clare. Eli leaned in and Clare held her breath, clutching Eli's hand tightly. Eli brushed Clare's cheek with the back of his free hand and everything started spinning around her, her throat going dry at once.

"Hmm, maybe," smirked Eli, his lips getting closer and closer to Clare's…

"CLARE EDWARDS!"

Clare let go of Eli's hand and turned to face Jenna, who was dragging K.C along with her. Clare raised an eyebrow as Jenna stomped closer to them, seemingly furious.

"Yes?" Clare, crossing her arms.

"You're standing here, looking all smug and innocent-" started Jenna, and Eli cleared his throat.

"I'm not talking to you," snapped Jenna.

"Well, no, but you said that Clare looked smug _and_ innocent, and I'm wondering if you noticed that it sounds kind of weird," drawled Eli in a snobby way, and Clare stifled a giggle.

"Huh?" said Jenna, and K.C sighed irritably.

"Jenna, come on, don't make a scene," groaned K.C, but Jenna ignored him.

"Listen, I know you were the one who vandalized my locker," said Jenna angrily, glaring at Clare. "And you're getting away with it, and I can't allow it! I'm sorry that K.C chose me, but you shouldn't target me as a victim of your childish bitterness."

"Oh, Jenna, my world doesn't revolve around you," said Clare scathingly, uncrossing her arms and rolling her eyes at Jenna.

"You're just jealous," said Jenna, moving closer to Clare. "But you're never, ever getting K.C back."

"Who said that I want him back?" chuckled Clare.

Clare glanced at K.C and saw the hurt on his face, which surprised her, and suddenly a slightly cold hand wrapped around hers. She turned to look at Eli, who was smirking widely as he slid his fingers between Clare's, earning a scoff from Jenna.

"I don't think she wants your boyfriend back," said Eli scathingly, his eyes still fixed on Clare.

"Whatever," said Jenna impatiently. "This is _so _not over. Let's go, K.C."

Clare didn't even notice them leaving; her attention was on Eli's eyes, her focus on the sensation of their intertwined hands. Eli's hand was now getting warmer, and she noticed a slight blush appearing on his cheeks as his smirk turned into a smile.

"Sorry if I put words in your mouth," said Eli apologetically.

"What do you mean?" asked Clare, squeezing Eli's hand carefully.

"When I said that you don't want your ex-boyfriend back." He was looking guardedly at her and Clare shook her head as a giggle escaped her mouth.

"No, you're right," she admitted. "I don't want him back. He chose Jenna, so good for him, I hope he's happy with her."

"He looked_ thrilled_," said Eli sarcastically. "I think that I would be miserable if I lost a girl like you."

"Oh, really?" teased Clare.

"Hey, you like Palahniuk and you bake cookies," said Eli, tongue-in-cheek. "You're borderline perfect."

The sincerity in the last three words that Eli said made Clare's heart go crazy, and they both walked to their English class, their hands never letting go.

_**Later**_

"You know, the whole point of cookie dough is to bake cookies."

"But eating the cookie dough is the best part, Clare."

Clare chuckled as Eli grabbed another spoonful of dough, eating it quickly. "Okay, I'll stop," he pouted mockingly, placing the spoon in the sink.

"Thank you," retorted Clare, doling small lumps of dough on a cookie sheet.

Their homework lay forgotten on the kitchen table, thanks to Eli, who kept complaining about the lack of cookies and how Clare was the most misleading girl in the world.

Eli kept looking around the kitchen in amusement, and he noticed a photograph on the fridge. Clare wanted to reach out and take it away from him, but it was too late, and Eli held the picture in his hand.

"You wore glasses? Because that's definitely you," he said, running a finger over the snapshot.

"Yeah," blushed Clare. "And that's my mom and my sister, Darcy. And my dad, of course. Happier times, I guess."

Clare continued working on the cookies, and Eli placed the picture back on the fridge. He dug his hands in his pockets and just looked at Clare as he leaned against the counter.

"When did your parents get divorced?" he asked.

"A couple of months ago," said Clare. "Mom couldn't wait to get out of here and join Darcy, I think. But living with dad is just fine, the only problem is that he works a lot but other than that, he's amazing."

"At least you get along," grinned Eli. "And sorry to hear about their divorce. Must be tough."

"It was at the beginning," said Clare as she placed the sheet inside the oven. "But now I'm finally coming to terms with it. It was the best decision in the end. What about your parents?"

"Still married," chuckled Eli. "They are crazy as hell, but they were made for each other so, twenty years and counting."

Eli seemed sincere about his love for his parents, but Clare wasn't convinced. She kept thinking of Adam's words and she knew that she needed to find out more about Eli.

"Do you get along with them?" she asked casually.

"Oh, yeah," nodded Eli eagerly. "I don't spend a lot of time around the house with work and all, but they're pretty cool."

"I see," said Clare, setting up the timer and crossing her arms as she moved closer to Eli. "I feel like I don't know a lot about you."

Eli raised his eyebrows but said nothing, his hands still in his pockets. He moved away from the counter so he could be closer to her, and Clare felt nervous. Eli sighed and gave her a wry smile as he took his hands out of his pockets to rub his eyes.

"I'm not an interesting person," said Eli.

"You just seem to have a lot of secrets," said Clare quietly.

Eli laughed dryly, still rubbing his eyes. "If you say so," he said as he removed his hands from his face. "What do you want to know?"

A million questions exploded in Clare's head, but she didn't know where to start. She focused on Eli's hands and noticed the rings he was wearing. She had to start somewhere, an easy question, nothing too serious.

"Where did you get those rings?" she asked, pointing at one of his hands.

"Um... this one, my mom gave it to me when I turned thirteen," he said, pointing at a ring on his index finger. "And this one belonged to my grandfather, who passed away a couple of years ago and left us nothing but debt... and this ring of course."

_Aha, _thought Clare.

"Debt? Is that why you work?" she asked cautiously.

"Yeah, to help my parents out," said Eli. "You know, my father is a radio DJ and my mother works at a retirement home, so they don't make a lot of money. That's why I transferred to a public school as well, the bills are overwhelming."

"You used to go to private school?" asked Clare, surprised. "Me too!"

"Something in common, yay," said Eli mockingly. "Tell me about _your_ ring."

Clare glanced at her purity ring and immediately blushed. "It's a… purity ring," she explained. "I'm waiting until marriage to have sex."

"Ah, interesting," said Eli. "That's… refreshing. I don't think I know anyone else who has one of those."

"Well, I guess now you know why K.C didn't think twice when he left me for Jenna," said Clare sadly, her eyes still on the ring.

"He didn't think twice because his brain doesn't work properly," joked Eli. "Twice the amount of work would kill him!"

Clare laughed and saw the ring on Eli's thumb, and she touched it with one of her fingertips. "What about this one?"

Eli held his breath and Clare waited patiently, her heart racing. "Julia gave me this one," said Eli, his tone very low. "For our six-month anniversary."

"Julia?" asked Clare, feeling uneasy. Was Eli dating someone and hadn't bothered to tell Clare? Or maybe they had broken up recently and Clare was just a rebound. But the look on Eli's face suggested more than just a petty breakup, and Clare regretted asking the question at once.

"She died a few months after my grandfather did," said Eli, blinking slowly. "Got hit by a car, the guy was drunk and she wasn't paying attention while crossing the street. Things happen."

"I'm so sorry," said Clare sincerely. "I'm sorry that I asked."

"It's okay," mumbled Eli, and Clare leaned in to give him a hug.

Everything happened too fast; Eli slammed his back against the counter as he darted away from Clare, his eyes closed and his body shaking uncontrollably as incoherent words came out of his mouth.

"Eli, what..." Clare didn't understand; Eli looked absolutely terrified, and all the color in his face was gone.

"I don't do hugs," he whined, and opened his eyes.

Clare stood still, not knowing what to do. "I'm sorry... I... I'm sorry."

Eli's breathing and expression started coming back to normal, and he ran his fingers through his hair, looking embarrassed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out," he said, attempting another smile.

Clare started thinking that Adam had a point: Eli seemed to be a great actor, because all of his sudden terror had disappeared, and he smiled like nothing had happened.

"You don't like hugs, I get it," said Clare, her voice shaking. She looked away, trying to grasp what happened, and when she looked up again, she realized that Eli was very close to her.

"I don't like hugs, but I certainly like you," he said softly.

"Silver lining," choked Clare. Eli cupped her face with his hands and he just looked at her, his body still shaking as he leaned in, their lips just inches apart.

He seemed scared, but Clare thought that it didn't compare to the emotions that were messing with her head. She was really attracted to him, she wanted to know more about him, but at the same time, she was hesitant of knowing the truth.

Eli seemed to have too many secrets and she didn't know if she could trust him. He had kept quiet about the locker incident, and Clare wondered if she had added another burden to his list.

Eli's green eyes were the only thing Clare could see, and she closed her own as Eli's breath teased her lips. After a heartbeat, a second that turned into an eternity, Eli closed the gap between them and kissed her.

_**Eli**_

_Secret # 300- I really want to kiss Clare, but I feel that she is going to taste him, and I don't want him to tarnish her.  
><em>

Clare's lips were soft and warm and kind, and Eli realized that he had forgotten what a girl's lips felt like. His heart skipped several beats when Clare returned the kiss gently, and he knew that Clare's lips would never bruise him the way-

_Stop it, _he thought, and focused on Clare and only Clare. The kiss was bringing up emotions he had forgotten, and he ached as he realized that for the first time in months, he was feeling very much alive.

He pulled back, resting his forehead on Clare's and he breathed deeply. The timer went off but neither of them moved, both of them breathless. The scent of cookies lingered in the air and Clare finally cleared her throat, giggling.

"I don't want them to burn," she whispered.

"Right, right," mumbled Eli, moving away. He started to regret kissing Clare; she didn't deserve to be kissed by someone like him. Eli felt nauseous as Clare placed the sheet on the counter next to the oven, and he realized that he had to leave.

"Hey, I just realized I have to go home and change," he blurted.

"Oh," said Clare. "I… I understand. I'll put aside some cookies for you then."

"Thanks," said Eli, relieved that Clare seemed okay with his departure. Clare grabbed a container and placed some cookies inside of it, snapping the lid shut quickly. Eli started packing his books and he felt how the anxiety was taking control of him, but knew that he couldn't freak out in front of Clare. Not again.

_Secret # 7- I hate graveyard shifts because that's when he… that's when it happens.  
><em>

Clare handed him the container and he leaned in to kiss her on the cheek, feeling flustered.

"Can I call you tomorrow?" pleaded Eli. "I would call you after my shift, but since it ends around four in the morning…"

"I don't mind if you call me that early," interrupted Clare. "If you need to talk… I'm here for you."

Eli knew that Clare was being sincere and yet… part of him didn't want to trust her. Because he knew that if he started to trust her, his defenses would disappear, and his secrets would spill out. He couldn't allow that.

They walked to the front door and Clare opened it slowly, as if waiting for something. Eli longed to kiss her again, and he moved in closer, holding the container in his hands.

"Bye," he breathed, and kissed her on the lips.

He felt how Clare's hands started to reach for him and he pulled away, ending the moment. "I will… talk to you later," he said hurriedly, and walked away.

_**Later**_

He ate the last cookie and sighed, still inside of the hearse. It took every single ounce of his willpower to step out of the vehicle, and he brushed away the crumbs that were all over him.

It was already dark and the wind was mildly pleasant, with cold undertones. The weather was still warm but Eli knew that those days were almost over, and then he smirked at himself for thinking about the weather before facing what he was dreading.

He saw Matt talk to the rest of the graveyard shift workers and his mood lifted slightly, but he knew that the man would leave minutes after their shift started.

Eli joined the group, listening to Matt tell them about the many shipments that would arrive later. Eli noticed that many of the workers glanced at him and muttered things under their breath.

"_I'm sorry about Julia's death," said Donovan as Eli lay on the ground, his insides aching. Donovan had hit him repeatedly in the stomach and Eli was crying, not because of the pain, but because of his loss. _

"_Move," barked Donovan as he poked at Eli with his foot. Eli flipped over so he could see the man standing beside him, and he wanted to wipe off his own tears, but his arms felt too heavy. _

_Donovan fell on his knees and ran a hand through Eli's hair, which was soaking with sweat. "She left you, didn't she?" whispered Donovan. "But I'm here with you, I'm… I'll always be here for you."_

_Eli cringed as Donovan's fingers started caressing his chest, something he had never done before. Eli couldn't move, he felt terrified and speechless as Donovan's fingers started trailing down his stomach. _

"_No," winced Eli, but Donovan ignored his plea. _

"Eli?"

Eli blinked and realized that he had been biting his fingernails again, and he coughed as he turned his attention to Matt. "Sorry," said Eli.

"Donovan wants you in his office," said Matt calmly, and some of the workers started snickering.

"Okay," gulped Eli, giving Matt a half-hearted look, and the man looked away.

Eli walked slowly, hating every step and wanting to run away at the sight of the wooden door. He knocked on it and heard Donovan grunt a "come in," and he opened the door.

"Elijah," said Donovan, his voice full of surprise and lust. "You're early."

"I'm actually late today," said Eli emotionlessly.

"Close the door," said Donovan.

Eli followed his boss' instructions and tried to get rid of everything he was feeling, but most of all, he wanted to get rid of the memory of Clare's kiss. It was such a good memory, and he didn't want to ruin it with what was about to happen.

"Come here," said Donovan as he stood up, and Eli took a couple of steps, trying to breathe through his mouth. "Elijah, you know that I'm the only one who cares about you, right?"

Donovan wrapped his arms around him and held him extremely tight, and Eli thought of Clare trying to hug him, the guilt making him sick. Eli closed his eyes as Donovan's lips and teeth started bruising him, and he tried to forget about Clare.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. I also do not own the quotes from _Only Revolutions_ by Mark Z. Danielewski. That book is amazing!  
><strong>

**Author's note: Feel free to check out the new story I posted, "A Hundred Separate Lines." A bit different from this, in case the angst and darkness in this fic get too heavy for you. :)**

**This is, in my opinion, a sweet chapter. A little short and in Clare's POV, but still. A breather before some other things start happening. I hope that you like it. **

"_You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear. It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier; all the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas. The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe."_

_**You Are The Moon, The Hush Sound**_

_**Days later**_

_**Clare**_

"So, let me get this clear. He will kiss you, he will hold your hand and stuff, but he won't let you hug him?" asked Alli, her eyebrows raised, almost disappearing under her bangs.

"They can have sex, but no hugging," joked Adam, and Clare threw a fry at him.

"Guys, this is not funny," snapped Clare. "You didn't see his face..."

Clare couldn't get the image of Eli leaning against the counter, completely terrified, out of her head. Eli called her Saturday afternoon, his voice almost a whisper, and Clare wanted to scream and tell him that he could trust her, that he could talk to her. Instead, they ended up talking about books and music, Eli's favorite subjects whenever he was trying to avoid a serious conversation.

"And his girlfriend died," said Adam, sipping on his soda. "How... tragic. No wonder he seems so sad all the time."

"There is something else," insisted Clare. "I... I don't know what it is but there is something there that I wish I could figure out. And I don't think his parents abuse him, by the way."

Adam snorted skeptically, shaking his head. "What makes you think that?"

"The way he was talking about them… it just made no sense," explained Clare. "He seemed so open and honest about them, so I don't know anymore."

"Maybe we should corner him and talk to him," chuckled Alli.

"Oh, yeah, let's go ahead and be like-" started Adam, and then his eyes widened at the sight of someone behind Clare.

"Hello," said Eli simply, sitting down next to Clare.

"Hi," blushed Clare, ignoring Adam's and Alli's exaggerated sighs. Eli and Clare held hands under the table, and Clare noticed a small bruise under Eli's lips. She wanted to ask him about it, but she didn't want to have that conversation in front of her friends.

"Eli, my man," said Adam, making Eli stare curiously at him. "What are you doing this Saturday?"

"I'll probably sleep all day and then go to work," said Eli. "Why?"

Adam drank some of his soda and glanced at Clare mischievously, making her feel slightly uncomfortable. "My parents are going out of town this weekend. I asked them if I could invite some friends over so we can use the pool before it gets too cold. So, it would be nice if you could join us."

Clare stared at Adam in surprise, her hand almost letting go of Eli's. Adam had never mentioned his plans, and when Alli looked away, avoiding Clare's eyes, she realized that her friends had been planning behind her back.

"Ah, well… I don't know," said Eli nervously. "I have to work and I…"

"Maybe you can take the day off," suggested Alli, and Clare started to feel angry.

Eli bit his lower lip as if considering Alli's idea, and the bruise became more noticeable. Clare continued to examine Eli's face, and saw another bruise on his jawline that looked somewhat recent .

"Are you going to be there?" asked Eli, smiling sheepishly at Clare. "Or am I asking a stupid question?"

"I'll be there," said Clare, smiling at him and trying to pretend that she wasn't mad at her friends. "But if you can't, don't worry about it."

"I will try," said Eli, his eyes filled with sincerity. The bell rang and Eli leaned in and kissed Clare on the forehead, slightly shaking. Clare hummed happily and blinked as Eli pulled away, trying to figure out what he was hiding behind his smile.

"See you in class," he breathed as he stood up, and he nodded at Adam and Alli. Clare started gathering her lunch tray, not looking at her friends.

"Um, Clare?" asked Adam tentatively.

"What are your intentions?" blurted Clare angrily.

"My intentions?" said Adam. "Well, see, I have a bottle of vodka stashed away, and since Drew is probably going to be busy shoving his tongue down Bianca's throat-"

Alli let out a pained sigh and Adam glared at her, obviously irritated. "Alli, just get over it already," snapped Adam. "Drew doesn't care about your existence. Also, everyone knows that I'm the good-looking Torres, therefore, I'm the worthwhile one."

"You wish," retorted Alli.

"Can you guys stop bickering for a second and tell me what's going on?" interrupted Clare.

"We want to get Eli drunk," said Adam simply, still glaring at Alli. "Drunk people always tell the truth, and we all want to know what he's hiding. My parents_ are_ out of town, I didn't make that up, so we'll be okay."

Clare shook her head angrily as she grabbed her backpack from the chair. "You guys think is hilarious, that you can just play with him like that," she said, fury running through her veins. "You don't know him."

"Neither do you," deadpanned Alli.

Clare walked away, huffing as she did, Alli's words ringing in her ears. She felt terrible; she was luring Eli into a trap and he had no idea. Eli trusted her somehow, she could feel it…

_Does he really trust you?_ said a taunting voice in the back of her head. _If he trusted you, he would tell you what's going on with him. But he doesn't, Clare. He doesn't. You've known him for a week. _

But somehow, for some unexplainable reason, Clare felt as if she had known him for a lifetime.

_**Later**_

"Switch."

Clare pushed her plate over to Eli, which still had half of her cheesecake, and smiled at him. She took Eli's plate, a half-eaten slice of chocolate cake sitting on it, and both started laughing. They were at the Dot, enjoying the slow Monday afternoon, with their English notebooks lying next to them.

"So, did you agree with Miss Dawes' opinion of _Only Revolutions_?" asked Clare, licking the back of her spoon, the taste of chocolate making her feel happy. "I love that book so much, but she obviously hated it."

"That book is really confusing," admitted Eli. "I mean, you have to flip it upside down to read one point of view, and then flip it again… I consider myself smart, but that book gave me a headache."

"Pretentious!" mocked Clare, mimicking Miss Dawes as she set the spoon on the plate. "Writers these days!"

Eli started laughing uncontrollably, something he had never done in front of Clare, and she started laughing too. It seemed as if both couldn't control themselves, and soon Clare had tears rolling down her cheeks. They couldn't stop laughing, and some of the other students at the coffee shop stared at them, their looks judgmental.

They finally stopped, both of them trying to regain their breath. They continued eating their desserts in silence, a chuckle escaping them every now and then, and soon they were ready to leave. Eli left a tip on the table and they walked out hand in hand, the warm breeze greeting them.

Eli's palm felt calloused and worn, and Clare focused again on the small bruise under Eli's lip. "What happened there?" she asked as they approached Morty. Eli was silent, and Clare let go of his hand as she leaned against the hearse, her arms crossed.

"Hit myself with one of the boxes," said Eli, not looking at her in the eye as he stood in front of her.

"It sounds like a dangerous job," said Clare concernedly. "Maybe you should find something else."

"I get paid good money, and the place is run by my dad's best friend," said Eli, sounding slightly defeated. "And I'm not going to work there forever, you know?"

"Yes, but you're only sixteen," said Clare as Eli moved closer, and she touched the bruise with her fingertip. "I know your parents need the help, but there are a lot of jobs out there."

Eli just nodded and Clare felt that he was just agreeing to humor her, to stop her from asking any more questions. Eli's hand touched her cheek, his thumb gently grazing her skin, and she felt her face starting to burn. "I talked to my boss on the phone before meeting you here," said Eli quietly.

"Mhm," mumbled Clare, her heartbeat erratic as Eli's eyes pierced hers.

"I'll have to make up for it on Friday, but… I'll be able to go to Adam's house," he smiled, and Clare felt immediately guilty.

"We'll have fun," she said, trying to sound sincere.

"You'll be there, of course we will," said Eli, and leaned in to kiss her. The kiss was slow, his lips moving tentatively on hers, and she involuntarily shuddered as Eli cupped her face with his hands. She wanted to put her arms around him but she knew that he wouldn't like that, so she kept her arms crossed as her back pressed against the hearse's passenger door.

The kiss slowly intensified, but Clare felt that Eli was still holding back. Maybe it was because they were still in public, and she was surprised that she was the one not minding the audience. Eli's lips on hers just felt amazing; she had never felt so comfortable during a kiss, not even when she dated K.C.

"_Rending tissue, sinew and bone_," muttered Eli against her lips. "_Excepting no suffering. By me all levees will break. All silos heave._"

Clare's heart fluttered as she heard Eli quote Danielewski, the lines too familiar. She remembered reading that book after her breakup with K.C, and how it brought her hope that maybe someday her heart would heal.

"_I will walk heavy,_" whispered Clare as Eli kissed the tip of her nose. "_And I will walk strange. Because I am too soon. Because without her, I am only revolutions of ruin._"

Eli searched for her lips again, kissing her, and she responded eagerly. Her arms unfolded slowly and she placed them around Eli's neck cautiously. He tensed up but didn't stop kissing her, and Clare felt elated. She couldn't hug him, but what she was doing was close enough, and her lips parted in delight.

Eli pulled away and smiled at her, his lips slightly swollen. "_Because I am too soon,_" he quoted softly. "_Because without you, I am only revolutions of ruin._"

And suddenly, it wasn't a quote anymore. Clare looked into Eli's eyes and saw the emotion in them as he spoke, and she knew that the boy standing in front of her was starting to depend on her. She could almost touch the burdens on Eli's back, the secrets in his heart, the pain in his soul. They just looked at each other, not speaking, not paying attention to the people passing them by. It was as if the world had stopped for them, as if the skies were watching the feelings developing between them, and Clare knew that there was no turning back. She wanted Eli in her life, she wanted his secrets to be her own, and she wanted to save him from the darkness that was evidently consuming him.

She wanted _him_. Not in the way teenagers usually wanted each other, no, not the hormone-filled want. She wanted more than that, and the deepness of the fact scared her slightly.

Eli started kissing her again as the daylight subtly disappeared, and a line came into Clare's mind. A line that described what she was feeling almost perfectly. A line that she would say to Eli someday, when her shyness didn't obstruct her to speak the words she wanted to say.

_Dust cares for only dust, and time only for us._


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**

**Author's note: Your reviews just... leave me breathless. You guys are so amazing. This chapter was a little emotionally draining to write, you'll see why. **

**WARNING: The beginning of this chapter may be disturbing. **

"_Everyone in this room, they've got troubles too. Secret stories and lies that we never knew."_

_**Xavia, The Submarines **_

_**Saturday**_

_**Eli**_

"_Stay still, goddamn it!"_

_Eli stopped struggling as Donovan pinned him to the ground, the groans coming through his lips terrifying the young boy. Eli tried to regain his breath, avoiding Donovan's anger-filled eyes, and he could feel his own body starting to ache._

"_You wanted a day off, well, there's a price to pay," muttered Donovan, tracing Eli's jawline with his finger. Eli shivered, wanting the shift to be over already, because the end of the shift meant seeing Clare. _

"_I really, really want to fuck you right now," said Donovan in a desperate tone. Eli felt his heart freeze; Donovan had never said it so directly before. Donovan had been physically abusing him and, well, touching him inappropriately for a long time, but he had never taken the abuse to the "next level."_

"_But I can't," continued Donovan, his mouth sucking on Eli's neck. "Can't leave any evidence, can I? And you're so young... so skinny and fragile... I don't want to break you, not yet."_

_Eli wanted to tell him that he was already broken, that Donovan was ruining his life by doing the things he did, that he wasn't able to hug Clare Edwards because of him. Eli wanted to kill him, wanted to push him away and quit the job and tell everything to his parents. _

"_Nobody will ever love you like I do," whispered Donovan, his fingers undoing Eli's belt. "Because nobody cares about you the way I do."_

_Eli closed his eyes and felt defeated as Donovan's fingers started touching him, he was whimpering with fright as the man's hands started bruising him... damaging him..._

"Stop it, oh god," he cried silently as he opened his eyes. His pillow was wet with tears and he breathed deeply, the memories from the previous night still too vivid. Eli was shaking as he reached for the alarm clock, realizing that he had overslept.

He got out of bed slowly, as always, the pain in his back reminding him of his secrets. He searched through the pockets of his jeans as he wiped his tears with his free hand, and found Adam's address in a crumpled piece of paper. The thought of Clare made him feel slightly better, and he felt relieved that he didn't have to work that night.

He had paid the price, but spending time with Clare was worth it.

He took a long shower and got dressed quickly, not wanting to stay for too long in his house. The more time he spent with his parents, the more he wanted to speak out, and that wasn't an option. He wore his usual black skinny jeans and a black t-shirt, knowing that there was no way that he would get in the pool. But at least he would be able to spend time with Clare.

He ran down the stairs, hoping that he wouldn't meet his parents on the way out, and as soon as he grabbed his keys from the coffee table, his mother's voice greeted him.

"Where are you going, baby boy?" she asked, standing under the kitchen doorway.

"Um... out," said Eli. "I'm going to a friend's house."

"Don't you need to get more sleep?" asked CeCe, looking concerned. "You work a graveyard shift today too, don't you?"

"No, I requested the night off," said Eli uneasily. "Donovan said it was okay, since you know, I've been pretty good and stuff."

"Oh, that's nice of him," smiled CeCe, and Eli felt guilt bubbling in his stomach. "And it's good for you that you're taking some time off. I don't want you to work all the time, baby. A few dollars won't make a difference, okay? We're almost out of this debt and then you'll be free."

CeCe chuckled but Eli didn't say anything, feeling that freedom was still far from his grasp. "So... who is this friend?" questioned CeCe.

"Adam, this guy from school," explained Eli. "He invited a couple of people over to just... eh, hang out. But I'm meeting someone else there."

"Someone else?"

Eli thought that maybe he could share at least something with his mother, to make up for the abyss that was starting to grow between them. He loved his father too but for some reason, he was always able to open up more with CeCe. Before Donovan happened, of course.

"Her name is Clare," said Eli, trying to choose his words carefully. "I've been spending some time with her. She's a nice girl."

CeCe's face lit up and she walked over to Eli, excitement all over her face. "A girl? Oh, are you dating again?" she asked happily.

"We're hanging out," said Eli. "But we'll see what happens. I... I like her a lot."

"I would hug you, but I know how you're about hugs these days," winked CeCe. "Eli, I'm so happy for you. You need to invite her over for dinner or something! I would love to meet her."

"Yeah, maybe," said Eli, wanting to end the conversation. "Okay, I'm already late so... see you."

He walked out of the house and the sun hit him right on the face, and he narrowed his eyes as he tried to get used to the brightness. He clutched the keys of the hearse between his fingers and took a deep breath, knowing that Clare's eyes and lips were just a few minutes away.

_**Later**_

"You made it!" grinned Adam as he opened the door and let Eli in. Adam's hair was wet but he was wearing dry clothes, which made Eli curious, but he didn't ask anything.

"Sorry, I had a rough shift and I overslept," apologized Eli. "Got some pizza, though."

Eli handed the box to Adam, who immediately opened the lid and grabbed a slice. "You're awesome, dude," said Adam, and beckoned Eli to follow him.

"I already had my pool time," said Adam as they walked by the living room. "My pasty ass can't stay under the sun for too long."

"I know what you mean," said Eli, trying to relate. "That's why I'm not swimming today, my skin is... ah, sensitive."

Adam slid the glass door open and stared quizzically at Eli as they stepped on the deck_, _his mouth full of pizza. "Well, Clare will be disappointed," said Adam, swallowing.

"Why?" asked Eli, feeling nervous.

"She won't get to see you shirtless," teased Adam, setting the box down on a plastic table. Eli chuckled and glanced around, and his heart stopped. Clare and Alli were getting out of the pool and Eli got a glimpse of Clare before she grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her. She was wearing a one-piece bathing suit but Eli had looked at her exposed skin, her white thighs, and the modest cleavage. He felt the blush creep on his cheeks and he wanted to punish himself for the thoughts he was having.

"You're here," said Clare, kissing him on the cheek.

"I'm here," he responded, still thinking of Clare's skin. "Sorry I'm late."

"He brought food," said Adam, pointing at the box. "But I'm afraid that he won't swim with us today."

"Really, how so?" asked Alli, helping herself to some pizza.

"Sensitive skin," mumbled Eli as he glanced at his arms, and his eyes suddenly widened when he noticed a huge bruise on his left arm. He briefly recalled Donovan clutching that part of him arm savagely while Eli struggled to keep him away. Clare was looking at the bruise too, and Eli wanted to hit himself for not noticing it before. He could have worn a hoodie to hide it or something.

"Ah, figures," said Alli, something in her tone suggesting that she didn't quite believe Eli, and he was starting to feel self-conscious.

"I was getting tired of the water anyway," smiled Clare, her eyes now fixed on Eli's face. "I'm just going to go change, okay? I'll be right back."

"Hey, I'll go change too," said Alli, eating the rest of her pizza. Adam stared at her with an amused look on his face and Alli shrugged defensively.

"What?" she blurted, and both Clare and Alli left the boys alone, giggling as they walked away.

Adam ate some more pizza and Eli just stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

"Girls," sighed Adam. "Complicating our lives."

Adam looked upset for some reason, and even though Eli didn't know him that well, he felt bad for him. "Are you and Alli-" started Eli. "You know."

"Dating?" chuckled Adam, raising an eyebrow. "Nah. We're just friends."

"Hmm," said Eli, not convinced.

"I wish she saw me that way... but she doesn't," said Adam, munching on his pizza. "She just has this enormous crush on my idiot brother and I'm still-" Adam surveyed Eli with his blue eyes, as if wondering if he could talk to him.

"Eli, do you know why I never change into my gym clothes in front of the rest of the guys?" asked Adam suddenly.

"I've heard the rumors," admitted Eli.

"Not surprised," grinned Adam, licking his fingers. "Well, yeah, I'm transgender. And Alli met me as, um, _Gracie_, and she still sees me that way. Which sucks."

"I bet it does," said Eli. "It must be tough, I guess."

"It is, but hey, if that's the price I've got to pay for being myself, so be it," said Adam contentedly. Eli felt suddenly jealous of the boy, that he was able to open up so easily, that he seemed so carefree about a subject that obviously brought him pain.

"What's your excuse?" asked Adam, bringing Eli out of his maze of thoughts.

"For what?" asked Eli, confused.

"For not changing clothes in front of us," said Adam as if the question was obvious.

"I... I'm shy, I guess," lied Eli.

"I see," nodded Adam. "That is weird, but I guess you're free to do whatever you want."

"I guess so."

"We're back!" said Alli excitedly, and Eli felt his heart get lighter at the sight of Clare. She was wearing a t-shirt and shorts, and Eli wanted to hug her badly. But he couldn't, because she would hug him back and it would break him.

"Look what I found," chimed Alli, holding two bottles of vodka. "Who's up for round one?"

"Ah, we're drinking?" said Eli, and Clare's hand wrapped around his.

"You don't have to," she said, laughter in her voice. "I might just have one, and that's a distant possibility."

Eli saw the bottles of the clear liquid, remembered the one time he got drunk with Julia, how he didn't recall most of that night. Alcohol made people forget things sometimes.

"Maybe just one, yeah," said Eli, not entirely convinced.

_**Clare**_

"Truth or dare? Truth or dare, Clare?" said Alli loudly, her face very red.

One empty bottle lay on the middle of the living room floor, which was where they were all sitting, and Eli was resting his head on Clare's lap. Eli was drunk and blinking slowly as Clare ran her hands through his hair, concentrating on every strand. She only had a couple shots, which made her feel slightly sick, and she decided that drinking was not for her.

"Truth," said Clare lazily.

Adam opened the second bottle and took a drink from it, smiling widely. "Oh, this should be interesting," he mused drunkenly.

"What physical feature of Eli's do you like the most?" giggled Alli.

Clare smiled as she looked down at Eli, who was staring back at her. "His eyes," said Clare truthfully.

"Ah, come on," protested Adam. "That is bullshit. Say his ass or something."

The four of them started laughing and Clare realized that she loved the sound of Eli's laugh. It sounded so pure and honest, so free and beautiful. She wanted to make him laugh all day long and make him forget about whatever he was going through.

"My turn!" bellowed Adam. "Eli! Truth or dare?"

Eli pursed his lips and Clare panicked slightly, not knowing what to do. He didn't want Adam to ask an inappropriate question and make Eli uncomfortable.

"Dare," said Eli quickly, and Clare felt relieved.

"For the ladies," said Adam mischievously, resting one hand on Alli's shoulder and raising the bottle was if making a toast. "Take off your shirt."

"Nah, man, pick something else," said Eli, and Clare sensed danger.

"Nope, you have to take off your shirt," insisted Adam.

"Yes! Let's see if you're hiding any muscles underneath all that black," squealed Alli. Eli sat up slowly, and Clare placed a hand delicately on his back, which made him tense up.

"Pick something else," said Eli again, his tone cold.

"Take it off!" laughed Adam. "Why are you so shy, come on, just take it off."

A vein started pulsating in Eli's neck, and Clare noticed how he was clenching his fists, his body trembling. Clare shot Adam a warning look but her friend was too drunk to notice.

"Do it, come on!" giggled Alli.

"I already said no, so just fucking stop it!" And it was the pain and coldness in Eli's voice that made Clare feel guilty, that made Adam and Alli stop laughing and stare at Eli silently. The tension in the room started consuming Clare, and Eli stood up clumsily, obviously very drunk.

"I need to use your bathroom," slurred Eli, and Adam pointed to the hallway.

"To the right," mumbled Adam, and Eli walked away, bumping into furniture as he did.

"Great job, guys," snapped Clare as she heard the bathroom door close. "You're just amazing. What else were you going to ask him, '_Oh, Eli, are your parents beating you up?'_"

"Chill," snarled Adam as Alli started to doze off. "I wanted to see the bruises, okay? And then we could have asked him-"

"Stop it," said Clare, standing up and walking away. She walked over to the bathroom and knocked softly on the door, her heart pounding.

"Eli?" she asked, but there was no answer. "Can I come in? Or are you busy?"

"Go away."

Clare's hand rested on the doorknob and she hesitated for a second before turning it. The door opened slowly and nothing, nothing would have ever prepared her for what she saw.

Eli's shirt was lying at his feet and he had his back pressed against the wall, his sad green eyes staring blankly at the reflection in the mirror. And Clare saw the bruises for the very first time.

Purple, green and yellow blemishes covered Eli's chest, most of them concentrated on the lower part of his stomach. She knew that Eli was skinny, but the skin was glued to his bones, his protruding rib cage making Clare shiver. Smaller bruises decorated his collarbone, and Clare winced when she realized that they looked very much like fingerprints. Clare wanted to throw up at the sight, not because the bruises disgusted her, but because of the pain she was feeling.

Clare closed the door behind her and walked over to Eli, her hands shaking. "Eli... oh my goodness... Eli, what happened to you?"

"Do you hate me?" he asked, his voice breaking. "Are you disgusted by me now?"

"No, Eli... I would never..." started Clare, and then Eli turned away from her. His back was even worse than his chest, and Clare felt anger fill her veins, she wanted to kill the person who was abusing Eli so brutally.

"I never showed Julia because I thought she would leave me," said Eli, his words becoming more and more slurred. "She left anyway. She died because I lied to her, because I didn't want her to see me naked. I killed her."

Clare was at a loss for words, her eyes filling up with tears as Eli slowly poured out his heart to her. She wanted to know the truth, even if it was painful for both of them, and she waited.

"I deserve... I deserve it," said Eli, his alcohol-fueled rambling breaking Clare's heart. "I can't leave, I can't stop him, because no one will believe me."

"Him? Who's him?" asked Clare, moving closer to Eli.

"I'm disgusting," continued Eli. "Look at me. I'm disgusting."

"No, you're not," cried Clare, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Eli, look at me, please."

Eli looked at her, his eyes very red, and Clare wanted to hold him in her arms. "What is going on? Talk to me, please? Where did you get these bruises?"

"Work," said Eli rapidly.

"Stop lying to me," sobbed Clare. "Stop lying, please, just tell me..."

"I'm not lying," said Eli, sounding extremely broken. "I don't deserve you. You need to leave me, I'm too damaged for you, I'm filthy, and I'm worthless."

"I'm not leaving you, Eli!" said Clare shrilly, her emotions getting the best of her. "I won't! I'm here for you, you just need to open up."

"Why are you still here?" said Eli emotionlessly, and Clare knew the answer, but it scared her, and she was afraid that it would scare Eli too.

But maybe it was what he needed to hear.

"Because I love you." The words left Clare's mouth before she could stop them, and she was sure than an outsider would find them ridiculous. Ridiculous because they barely knew each other, because they were teenagers, because nobody falls in love so soon, because-

Clare stopped overthinking and realized that her feelings were real. She just knew it.

Eli slid down the wall and just sat there, burying his face in his hand as he started crying. Clare sat down next to him and carefully removed Eli's hands from his face, holding them between hers. Clare kissed him on the cheek and just held on to his hands, waiting.

"Do you mean it?" grimaced Eli, his eyes closed.

"I mean it, Eli," said Clare sincerely and let go of Eli's hands. She brushed some of the bruises with her fingertips, carefully, slowly, and Eli didn't move at all.

"He told me he is the only who loves me," muttered Eli. "How do I know that you're not lying?"

Clare looked at another bruise on Eli's shoulder and she sighed in despair. She kissed the bruise and realized that she had never done that with a boy, kissing a part of his body that wasn't his lips or cheeks, but she felt that it was something she needed to do.

"I'm not lying, Eli. I would never lie to you."

Clare looked up and saw that Eli was looking at her, and he was silent. She could almost count every single one of his eyelashes, she frowned at the sight of the dark circles under his eyes, and she held her breath when Eli leaned in.

"I believe you," he mumbled. "And I love you too."

The kiss was brief and chaste, but Clare didn't care. She wanted Eli to know that she was there for him no matter what. Eli rested his head on Clare's shoulder while his hand searched for hers, their fingers quickly intertwining.

They sat on the floor without saying anything, and Clare just listened to Eli's uneven breath. The situation was something she couldn't control, something that had obviously been happening for a long time. She couldn't do anything about Eli's past because she couldn't change it.

But his future… she could definitely do something about it. And she would.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This fic is based on and inspired by "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By," a nonDegrassi fic written by fullcolapse (formerly nepenthe) on livejournal. **

**Author's note: Short chapter, but the next one is kind of long so... yup. Ah, season finale tonight! Kind of anxious about it, but no matter what, Eclare for life! **

"_Not talking about a year, no, not three or four. I don't want that kind of forever in my life anymore. Forever always seems to be around when it begins, but forever never seems to be around when it ends. So, give me your forever, please, your forever. Not a day less will do from you."_

_**Forever, Ben Harper **_

_**Eli**_

She looked beautiful while sleeping, her rosy cheeks giving him comfort, her breathing almost soothing. They were lying on Adam's bed, and Clare fell asleep at some point, while she waited for Eli to speak more, but he never did.

Eli moved closer to Clare, careful not to wake her up, and he gently touched her lips with his fingertips. He regretted having that meltdown, because Clare found out part of the truth, and he blamed alcohol for everything. He blamed himself for everything.

Adam had been nice enough to let them use his room to talk, and Eli knew that the boy was feeling guilty. Adam and Alli had apologized over and over for their behavior once they sobered up, and Eli had shrugged it off. They didn't know about his bruises, so they weren't to blame for anything. Eli felt embarrassed by his own actions, so he apologized to them as well.

Eli blinked, focusing on Clare as his hand now delicately brushed Clare's arm. Her skin was so soft to the touch, and Eli felt how forgotten feelings of lust started stirring in his stomach. He thought of Clare wearing her bathing suit, how beautiful her bare skin looked. He couldn't remember the last time he had sex; he stopped sleeping with Julia once Donovan started beating him, not wanting his girlfriend to see his bruises. And then Julia died, and Donovan started _touching_ him, making Eli lose all interest in physical contact.

He held his breath as his hand touched Clare's leg, exposed by the shorts she was wearing, and he ached to touch her in other ways.

_You're as bad as he is, _said the voice in the back of his head. _You just want to hurt her the way Donovan hurts you. You're disgusting. _

Eli removed his hand, feeling how his fingertips were burning with shame and how his heart felt so heavy. He was sick, and Clare didn't deserve that at all. Clare said she loved him, and Eli still couldn't believe it. She was such a smart, beautiful girl, and he was nothing. A shell of person, something not worth loving.

Clare stirred and opened her eyes slowly, smiling weakly at Eli. "I'm sorry," she blushed. "I didn't mean to fall asleep. What time is it?"

"Seven, it's still early," said Eli, glancing at his watch. "Um, do you need to go home or something?"

"No, my dad said I have until eleven," said Clare, her smile disappearing. "Eli, we still need to talk about what happened in the bathroom."

Clare moved closer to him and they lay there, facing each other, their faces just inches apart.

"There is nothing to talk about," said Eli simply, placing his barriers. Clarity had invaded his senses once sobriety reached him, and he had realized what he had done. What he had said. His secrets had slipped out, a few of them, and he was starting to feel empty all over again.

"Eli, just tell me who is beating you up," sighed Clare. "You were so vague about it, and I just want to help you."

"Has it ocurred to you that maybe I don't want help?" snapped Eli, regretting his attitude at once. "Sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"But you need help," insisted Clare, running her fingers through Eli's messy hair. "And I can help you, but you have to speak to me."

_Secret #9- I don't think that people will believe me, so I keep quiet. Silence is priceless._

"You don't have to fight my battles," said Eli stubbornly as Clare's hand now touched his cheek. "I don't want you to."

Clare just left her hand where it was, and Eli reached for it, holding it carefully in his own. He pressed his lips against Clare's palm, soaking in the warmth of her skin, and then he kissed a spot on Clare's wrist.

"You need to let me help you," said Clare, sounding slightly breathless as Eli placed small kisses on her arm. "Who is hurting you?"

_You're hurting me, _thought Eli. _You're hurting me because you're loving me too much, because you have faith in me and you shouldn't, because you need to run away but I'm too selfish to let you go._

"It doesn't matter, I'm used to it now," muttered Eli, his lips pressed against Clare's skin.

"Eli-"

"I don't want to talk about it right now," said Eli dryly. "Just.. I just want to be with you, okay?"

Clare looked at him, her eyes shining with tears, but she nodded. Eli leaned in, his nose touching Clare's cheek, his lips close to hers. He could feel how their breaths started mixing with the oxygen between them, and he kissed her.

They had never kissed like that, and Eli's heart was on fire. Clare parted her lips and Eli deepened the kiss, feeling reckless, wanting more of her. He got on top of Clare, still kissing her, and Clare moaned softly against his lips.

Clare's hands were on the back of his neck, grasping his hair as the kissing got more aggressive, and he kissed her harder. He pressed his body against Clare's and she moaned again, driving him insane. He wanted to rip her clothes off, he wanted to touch her, he-

"_Nobody will ever touch you the way I do. I'm the only one who loves you, Elijah. I'm the only one who can touch you."_

Eli pulled away haphazardly and almost fell off the bed, his heart pounding inside his chest. He was horrified; he almost hurt Clare. His mind was right, he was as bad as Donovan, taking advantage of an innocent person for his own pleasure.

"Eli, are you okay?" asked Clare, sitting on the bed and rearranging her shirt.

"I... no," he muttered, fixing his jeans so that Clare couldn't see the reaction his body was having. "I have to go."

He ran out of the room, searching for the keys in his pocket. He heard Alli and Adam calling him from the living room but he ignored them, just wanting to get out of that house.

He got into the hearse and started the engine, his head aching, and he clutched the steering wheel tightly. He started driving fast, wanting to escape, not really paying attention to traffic signs. Eli was shaking and sweating, and he knew that he had to park somewhere before having an accident.

He finally found a spot and parked, the ragged sound of his own breathing being the only thing he could hear. He was hyperventilating, still horrified at the dirty thoughts he had had about Clare while kissing her.

"I just want this to end," he said loudly, and he couldn't stop the tears.

_**Clare**_

"Are you sure you're okay?" asked Alli, putting her coffee mug down.

"Yes... I... I just don't know what to think anymore," sighed Clare, leaning against the counter. Adam reached for the bowl of chips that was sitting next to Clare and started eating, looking thoughtful.

"So you definitely saw the bruises," continued Alli.

"Yes, and he just said he got them at work," nodded Clare. "What and who caused them, I don't know."

"Maybe guys at work pick on him?" suggested Adam, licking his lips. "Maybe he's being bullied or something."

"He did say he was used to it, getting beat up," mused Clare. "But no... I just can't imagine that. It has to be something more."

"What makes you so sure?" voiced Alli as she refilled her mug with more coffee.

"Okay, I'm going to tell you guys but... please, don't judge me," said Clare, blushing. "When we were in Adam's bedroom... um, we were kind of making out. I tried to talk to him again once I woke up, but he was just so silent and I could tell he just didn't want to talk."

"So you tried to seduce him?" blurted Adam, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. "On my bed? Gross!"

"No!" said Clare, her face very red. "We just started kissing, that's all. And... I mean, I did have some intense makeout sessions with K.C, but this was different."

"Ahh, I do _not _need to hear this," said Adam, clutching the bowl and walking out of the kitchen.

"Tell me," said Alli, snapping her fingers. "Why was it different?"

"It was just so... good," said Clare shyly, still amazed at the intensity she had felt while kissing Eli. "And he got on top of me..."

"Whoa!" squealed Alli. "Miss Purity Ring, you've had me fooled all this time."

"I'm not planning on having sex with him, Alli," scoffed Clare. "I'm just trying to explain what happened, don't make any assumptions."

"Okay, okay, continue," said Alli, sounding slightly disappointed.

"So, it got really intense and I felt when he... um..." Clare didn't know how to explain it, even if Alli was more experienced than she was, it was just embarrassing.

"Yes?" asked Alli, setting her mug on the counter and crossing her arms.

"Well... you know," choked Clare, signaling the lower part of her body.

"Oh, he got hard?" said Alli calmly.

"Oh my- Alli, lower your voice," panicked Clare. "This is just so weird, oh gosh."

Alli started chuckling and shaking her head, obviously amused at Clare's nervousness. "So, he got a boner while making out with you, no big deal," shrugged Alli. "How is this relevant to his bruises?"

"Because all of a sudden he just pulled away and the look on his face was..." Clare stared at the ceiling, trying to find the perfect way to describe it. "He looked... scared. Not just scared, but borderline horrified. The same look he had like when I tried to hug him at my house, and some of the things he said at the bathroom got me thinking. And now I can't stop thinking that... there is more to this than just bruises."

She gave Alli a significant look, and comprehension dawned on Alli's face. "Clare, that is a huge assumption," said Alli worriedly, and Adam walked in again.

"Are you guys done with your sexy talk?" he asked, looking cautious.

"Clare thinks that Eli is being molested," deadpanned Alli.

"What?" gasped Adam, looking at both girls with a shocked look on his face.

"I might be wrong but... I remember Darcy, how she acted after she was raped, and I..." Clare trailed away, the memories of her sister still too painful. Darcy alienated herself from everyone, she didn't want anyone to touch her, not even a hug.

"God. Oh, fuck," said Adam, placing his hand on his forehead. "That's why he didn't want Coach to touch him that day. And... fuck. This is so fucking sick if it's true."

"Stop the cussing and start making sense," snapped Alli, and Adam stuck out his tongue at her.

"Do you think it's his dad?" asked Adam, his face slightly green.

"Eli mentioned a_ him_," noted Clare. "But I don't know. I don't know, I'm just so confused right now and worried about him. He's not replying to my texts or calls and I just want him to be okay."

The three friends stood there in silence, and Clare wrapped her arms around herself for comfort. She hoped that she was mistaken, she hoped that Eli was just being bullied, something that could easily be fixed.

But if it was something else... She couldn't stop thinking of Darcy, how the rape destroyed her world as well as her heart, how she didn't trust people for a while and how it changed her personality. Darcy ended up getting help, though, but it took a major event to get everyone's attention. She didn't want that to happen to Eli, she wanted to help him before anything drastic happened. Maybe Eli didn't want her to help him fight his battles, but she couldn't abandon him.

Because she loved him, and she wanted Eli to start loving himself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Dislclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. I do not own the quotes from **_**House of Leaves**_** by Mark Z. Danielewski. **

**Author's note: Ew to that season finale. But it's okay; I still have faith in Eclare. The Clare in this chapter IS the Clare I love, the IC Clare. That's all I'm going to say. **

**Also, this is a VERY crucial chapter. I sure hope I handled everything correctly, and thanks again to KaityLoo for all of her insight. **

**- Dedicated to Zephyr Hearts, MaggieTheUnicorn and eclarerocks for their lovely comments-**

"_I feel marooned in this body… Deserted my organs, could go on without me. You can't fly these wings; you can't sleep in this box with me. Let me save you, hold this rope."_

_**Trade Mistakes, Panic! At The Disco**_

_**Monday**_

_**Clare**_

"Thanks again, dad." Clare smiled gratefully at her father as soon as he parked in front of the school, and she grabbed her backpack from the backseat.

"No problem, kiddo," responded Mr. Edwards. "Do you think that you can convince him to come over tonight?"

"I'll do my best," nodded Clare. "And you'll be able to be there for a little while, right? And act like you're surprised."

"Right," agreed Mr. Edwards. "I still feel like you're not telling me the whole story about this boy, but I trust you."

Clare gave her father a kiss on the cheek, not fully prepared to answer. Eli had been avoiding her for the rest of the weekend, but Clare didn't lose hope. That wasn't the kind of person that she was, she didn't give up on people that easily.

"I don't know the whole story," admitted Clare. "So... you're not the only one."

_**Later**_

She finally found him hiding in the library, a book placed promptly in front of his face. She sat at the same table and cleared her throat to get Eli's attention. He slowly put the book down and didn't seem able to look at her directly, his hands shaking as grasped the edge of the table.

"Avoiding me will get you nowhere," said Clare simply.

"It will help _me_ keep _you_ safe," mumbled Eli. "Away from me."

"Now, why would I want to be away from you?" asked Clare, reaching across the table to grab Eli's hand.

"Because I'm fucked up."

Eli watched Clare's hand on his, and then glanced at her. "Eli, did you really think that I would run away at the first conflict? What kind of person do you think I am?" asked Clare, an edge of desperation in her voice.

"A normal one," said Eli, sliding his fingers between Clare's. "I mean... You're fifteen. You shouldn't have to deal with my crap; you're too young for this. I am... too much. Too much to handle, and it isn't fair to you."

"Eli, you're young too," said Clare. "You're only sixteen and look at all the stuff you've had to deal with! I can't even imagine what it's like to go through what you've been through, what you're _going_ through. The least I can do is try to understand and be here for you."

"So you're not mad at me?"

Eli's eyes were filled with utmost sadness, and the sight tore Clare's heart. Eli looked genuinely ashamed of himself, and Clare knew that she couldn't abandon him, that maybe she was his only chance to get out of whatever he was involved in.

"No, Eli," smiled Clare, clutching the boy's hand tightly. "And trust me, I will stay here with you. I won't leave you."

A timid smile appeared on Eli's lips, a smile Clare had never seen before. But it was better than watching pain etched on his face, and Clare couldn't stop smiling at him. "By the way... you don't work today, right?" she asked.

"No," replied Eli. "Why?"

"My dad said it was okay if you came over tonight," said Clare, trying not to blush and give away her plan. "And I really want you to... I really want us to spend some time together."

Eli seemed a bit hesitant at first, but soon enough his face lit up and he nodded. "Sure, I would really like that," he said softly, his hand letting go of Clare's so his fingers could trace lines on her arm. "I need to make up for my idiotic behavior on Saturday. Are Adam and Alli still mad at me?"

Clare shivered slightly as Eli's fingers moved up and down her arm, and she lost focus for a moment. "They're not mad at you, Eli," said Clare. "Nobody is mad at you. Sometimes I feel that the only one who is mad at you is... well, you."

Eli grabbed Clare's hand and brought it to his lips, kissing the back of it. "It's quite easy to get mad at myself," he said, and placed another kiss.

Clare just sighed sadly, knowing that getting rid of Eli's self-hatred would be one of the biggest challenges of her life.

"I'll just have to stop at my house first," said Eli, now pressing Clare's hand against his cheek. "I need to pick up something, if that's okay with you."

Clare didn't expect the little detour, but she was pleasantly surprised. Maybe she would get to meet Eli's parents… his father... and maybe, just maybe, Eli's secrets would start making more sense.

"That's just... that's just perfect," said Clare sincerely, and Eli smiled at her like he never had before.

_**Later**_

She couldn't breathe; Eli's mother was hugging her too tight.

"Oh, I'm so glad you're here," CeCe Goldsworthy squealed with delight. "Ever since Eli mentioned you I've been wondering what you look like! She's so pretty, baby boy!"

Eli seemed thoroughly embarrassed by his mother's reaction, and Clare just glanced at Eli's father, who was standing there and laughing merrily.

"Yeah, Eli, she's a stunner!" chuckled Bullfrog, shaking Clare's hand. Clare searched for any traces of darkness in the man's face, but she didn't see anything. Both CeCe and Bullfrog seemed honestly happy for Eli, and Clare realized that Eli was being honest about getting the bruises at work.

"I'm so glad he decided to start dating again," giggled CeCe, and Eli cleared his throat.

"Yeah, we're just here to pick up a book," said Eli quickly, and Clare smiled at his nervousness. "Clare, do you want to come to my room and-"

"No, she's staying here," said Bullfrog before Clare could say anything. "We want to talk to her."

"Um, about what?" said Eli, looking anxious.

"Just go, Eli," said Clare, since she really wanted to talk to Eli's parents as well. "I'll be here."

"Fine..." said Eli, narrowing his eyes. He walked out of the living room and CeCe and Bullfrog just stared at Clare in awe, as if she was the best thing in the world.

"He's a really good boy," said Clare, trying to make conversation.

"He's a little ball of secrets and mysteriousness but... yes, he is," said CeCe fondly.

"We're just glad he has friends again," said Bullfrog, sounding very happy. "He spent most of his time working and studying and locking himself up in that room. I usually ask him to go hunting or fishing with me but he refuses."

They were both staring intently at Clare, as if waiting for an answer they had been waiting for... waiting for a long time. And that's when it hit Clare; Eli's parents were also worried about his secrecy, but apparently, they didn't know how to approach him.

"Where does he work?" asked Clare. She already knew the answer, but she wanted to know more about Eli's job, the job he never wanted to talk about.

"A warehouse," said Bullfrog. "My best friend Donovan hired him when my dad passed away. My old man left us a lot of debt, so that was pretty rad of him, of Donovan. He never hires teenagers but he did it as a favor for me. As a matter of fact, I'm hanging out with Donovan today, that man is like my brother."

"What does he do, exactly?" insisted Clare. "Eli, I mean,"

"I think he moves boxes around and stuff like that," said CeCe. "Nothing too heavy. He always seems tired when he comes back, though."

"Donovan says he mostly does paperwork stuff," explained Bullfrog. "Why are you asking?"

_Paperwork stuff,_ thought Clare. _No, there is something else going on, and it has nothing to do with paperwork._

"Got it," said Eli, walking in. He was holding a heavy-looking book in his hands, his eyes glancing curiously at everyone in the room. "What were you guys talking about?"

"The weather," blurted Bullfrog, and Eli looked at his father skeptically.

"Guys, do you mind if we step into the kitchen for a moment?" said Eli grimly. "Clare, I'll be right back, it'll be quick. Here, can you hold this for me?"

Clare took the book from Eli's hands and saw that it was _House of Leaves_ by Danielewski, and she wondered why Eli needed to pick it up. "Okay," she said in a barely audible whisper.

Eli and his parents went into the kitchen and Clare just held the book closer to her chest, wanting to know what they were talking about. She couldn't help it and she moved closer to the kitchen door, curiosity getting the best of her.

"Please keep this to yourselves. About Clare, I don't want your friends knowing."

"Why not? They're going to be so happy for you, baby boy."

"Mom, no. I want you guys to respect my privacy… in case it doesn't work out."

Clare felt something stinging her chest at the thought of not being able to be with Eli, and she hoped that Eli was just being cautious.

"And please, dad… I know that you're hanging out with Donovan tonight. Do not say a word. Please, I don't want him to know."

"Why not, Eli?"

And Clare could almost feel the fear growing inside Eli, the way his mind was trying to find a reasonable excuse for his plea, and Clare knew. Donovan was the one hurting Eli… everything made sense. His dad's best friend, his boss… No wonder Eli didn't want to tell anybody about what was going on.

"Because he is my boss."

"But he's like your uncle too, boy."

"No, dad, please. Don't say anything, I'm begging you."

"Gosh, you're weird."

Clare wanted to barge in and yell at them, tell them that Eli was being abused by that man; that his life was miserable because of the extreme abuse he was suffering. But she walked away instead; retaking the position she had been in before Eli and his parents left the living room.

Eli walked out of the kitchen, his ears very red, and beckoned at her. "Let's go."

_**Eli**_

"_Here then at long last is my darkness_," read Eli as he ran his hand over Clare's legs, which were sitting on his lap. "_No cry of light, no glimmer, not even the faintest shard of hope to break free across the hold._"

"This is such a sad book," noted Clare, her head rested against the couch's cushion.

"It's a masterpiece," said Eli eagerly, closing the book, his hand on Clare's knee. "There's a line that reminds me of you."

"Really?" smiled Clare, moving closer. "Which one?"

"_Through all the windows I only see infinity_," said Eli, pulling Clare closer to him. Clare was now sitting on his lap, her nose brushing his. "I think of your eyes."

"That's really nice," said Clare, her breath uneven. She tentatively placed her arms around his neck, and Eli knew that Clare wouldn't hurt him, that she was that close because she loved him. Clare would never hurt him. Never.

Eli kissed her gently and she giggled against his lips, the sound making Eli feel light. He was being careful, he didn't want to hurt her like Donovan hurt him. He didn't want to leave any bruises on her, he didn't want to make her as disgusting as he felt.

"Oops," said Clare, pulling away and letting go of his neck. She sat far away from her and grabbed the book that was now lying on the floor, and Eli didn't understand her behavior.

"What's going on?" he asked, and then he heard the front door open.

"Clare?" a gruff male voice asked, and Eli flinched. The voice sounded just like Donovan's, but no, it wasn't possible, what was that man doing-

"Living room, dad," said Clare calmly.

A tired-looking man walked into the living room, his tie loose and his feet dragging. "Sorry, I forgot some documents," Mr. Edwards said hurriedly, and then his eyes fixed on Eli.

"Well, hello," said Mr. Edwards in a friendly tone.

"This is Eli," said Clare as both of them stood up, and Eli shook Mr. Edwards' hand. "My friend, you know."

"Ah, yes," nodded Mr. Edwards. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," said Eli in a small voice. "Um, Clare has told me a lot about you."

"Hopefully good things," winked Mr. Edwards, and Eli laughed with relief when he realized that Clare's dad didn't want to hurt him either.

"You look tired, dad," said Clare in a weird tone.

"Yes, well," sighed Mr. Edwards in what Eli identified as an exaggerated reaction. "This guy who used to run the errands in the office just quit, and it's absolute chaos. That, and I forgot my paperwork."

"Oh, so there's an available position at your office?" asked Clare brightly, glancing at Eli.

Eli looked at Clare and scoffed, realizing what was going on. Clare had probably said something to her father about his job, how he needed a new one. He had trusted her and she had told someone else about his ordeal, and he couldn't believe it.

"Yes," shrugged Mr. Edwards, eyeing Eli in concern. "Do you know anyone who might want to work with us?"

"Well…" said Clare, placing her hand on Eli's arm. He wanted her to move away, he was feeling furious, but he managed to remain calm. "Weren't you looking for a new job?"

"No," said Eli in the coldest tone he could muster. "Not at all."

Both Clare and her father exchanged looks and Eli knew he had guessed right. He wanted to get out of there, but he didn't want to be rude in front of Clare's father.

"If you change your mind," said Mr. Edwards, handing him a card. "Give me a call, or tell Clare. It doesn't pay much but it's an easy job, most of the time. No heavy lifting!"

Eli forced a chuckle, but he could feel Clare's glare burning into him. Well, served her right, she had betrayed his trust, and he wasn't sure if he ever wanted to speak to her again.

"I do have to go back to the office now," said Mr. Edwards, rearranging his tie. "I trust you, guys. Behave."

Clare walked over to her dad and kissed him on the cheek, making the older man smile. "Goodbye, Eli," said Mr. Edwards, nodding in Eli's direction. "Think about it, the job, okay?"

"I will," said Eli, his voice strained. Mr. Edwards left, leaving an awkward silence behind him, a silence Eli didn't want to break. Clare was the first one to speak.

"Eli, you should really consider-"

"What did you tell your father?" snarled Eli, shaking with fury.

"I just told him you needed a new job," frowned Clare. "I didn't go into details..."

"Bullshit!" yelled Eli, and Clare backed away, her eyes shining with fear. "God, Clare, I trusted you. I fucking trusted you and now you're going around telling people about my secrets!"

"I haven't told anyone!" cried Clare. "I mean, Adam and Alli suspect something but-"

"Liar!" gasped Eli, digging his fingers into his scalp. "Fucking hell, I can't- Fuck, people will find out, I'll be out of a job, nobody will believe me-"

"Calm down, please," said Clare, her voice cracking. "I know what's going on. It's Donovan, isn't it? Donovan is the one who is hurting you."

Eli stared blankly at Clare, his heart dropping. She knew; she knew now his darkest and biggest secret. He had managed to let his life slip between his fingers thanks to Clare's blue eyes, and everything would be lost.

"He… does other things too, doesn't he?" continued Clare, approaching Eli slowly. "Does he… Eli, please be honest with me… does he molest you as well?"

Eli couldn't speak, his throat was completely closed but he couldn't lie anymore. Not to Clare. He finally nodded, and the gasp of despair that escaped Clare's mouth made him want to die. She hated him, she disgusted him, he was sure of it.

"You hate me," murmured Eli. "I'm sorry, Clare, I can't stop him, I-"

"Eli, calm down," repeated Clare as Eli started scratching his arms anxiously. "I don't hate you, let's just talk."

"I can't stop him," mumbled Eli, his anxiety taking control of his mind. "I can't stop him, I can't, and he will do it when I'm not expecting it, he will break me, he will…"

Eli couldn't breathe, everything was spinning around him. He couldn't see a thing, he was back in Donovan's office, Donovan was touching him, telling him that nobody would ever believe him…

_Elijah, you're so good at keeping secrets. _

_Secret #14- Without secrets, I'm nothing._

"Eli, look at me!" Eli could hear Clare's voice in the background, but he couldn't see her. Clare needed to get out of there, before Donovan saw her and hurt her too, _no…_

A pair of arms wrapped around him and he wanted to push them away, he wasn't able to breathe. His lungs were shutting down, he was going to die, and he was going to get hurt. He was pushing the person away, the palm of his own hands burying into the person's shoulders, but the person wouldn't move. He dug his fingers into the person's arms, pushing, pushing…

"Let me go!" cried Eli. "Just let me go, please, let me go."

"Eli, it's me." Eli blinked and Clare's living room came into focus. Clare was the one hugging him, and her eyes were filled with tears and hurt. Clare's blouse look disheveled and Eli realized that he was clutching her arms tightly, and he slowly let go.

"I'm not going to hurt you," breathed Clare.

"Oh, god, I hurt you," gasped Eli, Clare's arms still around his he noticed where Clare's blouse had slipped. There was a bruise forming on the spot of her shoulder that was visible, and he felt nauseous.

"You didn't mean to," said Clare. "Just look at me, please."

Their eyes met and Eli breathed deeply, guilt creeping in his mind as he thought of how he had fought against Clare. "Eli, my arms are around you, and I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just looking out for you. Please tell me that you're going to quit that job."

"I…" Eli slowly put his arms around Clare, shivering. It didn't hurt, and he was able to breathe again. "Clare, I don't know… please… don't leave me."

"I won't leave you," said Clare forcefully. "But you need to tell your parents the truth. And you need to quit. You have a shift tomorrow, don't you? You need to quit, and then you need to come clean and tell your parents what Donovan did to you."

"Clare, it's been going on for two years," said Eli hoarsely. "They won't believe me… especially since… he hasn't… you know…"

"What? Eli, that man has abused you and beaten you and-" Clare sounded exasperated, and Eli winced, knowing he was the cause of her frustration. "He is molesting you, Eli! You can't keep quiet anymore!"

"But he hasn't fucked me!" blurted Eli miserably, and Clare's eyes widened. "He hasn't fucked me because he says that he can't leave evidence behind, and the bruises, well, he can deny everything. The guys at the warehouse won't say anything, I know that too!"

"They know?" said Clare in disgust. "The guys at the warehouse know that he is doing this to you?"

"The only know the beating up part," groaned Eli. "They don't know about the other stuff."

"Oh my God," breathed Clare, and pulled Eli closer. Her arms were now completely around him and Eli couldn't stop shivering, but he held on to Clare as if holding on to life.

"You need to quit," she sobbed into his shoulder. "Please, Eli, tell me you're going to quit. I will die if you don't quit."

Eli hugged Clare back, pressing his cheek against her forehead as he held her tightly. Clare meant everything to him, and he would do anything for her. Even if it meant giving up his secrets and his pain, because he didn't want to hurt her; he was done hurting people.

"I will, I will," he said incoherently. "Just don't let go of me, Clare. Don't fucking let go of me."

Clare pressed her body against his, her face buried in his neck, and Eli had never felt so close to someone in his life.

"I won't. I will never let you go."


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This fic is based on and inspired by the nonDegrassi fic "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By" by fullcolapse (formerly nepenthe) at LiveJournal.**

**Author's note and WARNING: And this is where my story stops having similarities with the fic I based it on. It's a short chapter for a reason. I must warn you, Eli's POV… I stopped typing at some point and I had to walk away from the computer. It's something that is rarely talked about, I think, and I hope that I did a half-decent job at writing this. No song lyrics for this chapter. **

_**Tuesday**_

_**Clare**_

"I'm really enjoying this display of PDA, aren't you, Alli?"

"Yes, oh my."

Clare ignored her friends and kissed Eli on the lips again, feeling how his lips curved in a smile when she did so. Clare kept forgetting they were in the cafeteria; she only had eyes for Eli.

"You two look happy," said Adam suspiciously.

"We have news for you," said Clare, her eyes still on Eli.

"You're pregnant!" gasped Alli, and Eli kissed Clare, his hand tucking a stray curl behind Clare's ear.

"Getting married?" teased Adam, munching on some chips.

"I wish," mumbled Eli, resting his head on Clare's shoulder and snuggling close to her. They were holding hands under the table as always, and Clare felt the blush appear on her face as she shook her head shyly.

"Eli is quitting his job," said Clare, smiling widely.

"Shut the front the door!" squealed Alli.

"Alli, the front doors are closed," mocked Adam, and Alli hit him in the arm with a swift movement of her hand. "Ouch! Uncalled for!"

Clare ran her free hand through Eli's hair, massaging his scalp gently. They had talked for hours the night before, after his breakdown, and he had been completely honest with her about everything. She had sobbed when Eli described every single detail of the abuse, how it made him feel, why he lied to Julia. Clare told him that he wasn't to blame for Julia's death; after all, things were out of his control. They talked about how he was going to tell his parents, and about how he was going to tell Donovan he was quitting.

They had a good plan.

"Well, that makes us happy," said Adam, all smiles.

"My shift starts after school, and I'll drive over there and quit," said Eli, his head still on Clare's shoulder.

"Do we get to party or something?" grinned Alli. "No vodka this time, pretty promise."

"Maybe later this week," sighed Eli. "There's stuff that I need to figure out first."

The bell rang and Eli let go of Clare's hand and sat up straight, still smiling. Clare couldn't help but think that there was something different about him; Eli looked relieved and less tired than he usually did.

"See you in English?" asked Clare, not wanting Eli to leave.

"Yes, of course," he said softly, and kissed her, his lips lingering on hers for a couple seconds. Eli walked away and Clare stared after him, sighing longingly as the boy disappeared from her sight.

"Well, well," chuckled Adam. "I bet you're thrilled."

"I am," nodded Clare, feeling flustered, and she started gathering her things.

_**Later**_

"Clare, you can let go of me now."

Eli was chuckling as they stood by Morty, his hands on Clare's lower back as she hugged him tightly.

"No, I refuse," she said stubbornly, pulling him closer. She took in his scent, how warm he felt in her arms, and couldn't believe that she was finally able to have her arms around him.

"I will call you as soon as I'm done with it," said Eli, now patting her on the back. "But I have to go now."

"Noooo," groaned Clare, and Eli's laugh made her heart beat faster.

"I will be okay," he said quietly, and Clare slowly let him, gnawing on her lower lip anxiously.

"Please call me," she said, trying to look calm. She was worried sick about Eli having to confront Donovan, but as long as Eli stuck to what they had practiced, things would be okay. She sure hoped so.

"Yes, my lady," winked Eli, sounding more confident than Clare felt. "Do I get a kiss before I leave?"

"I guess," said Clare, rolling her eyes mockingly and grabbing Eli by the collar of his jacket. She pressed her lips against his, kissing him slowly. They pulled away from each other and Clare noticed the blush on Eli's cheeks. She suddenly remembered something her grandmother used to do every time they visited her, every time they were about to leave. Her grandmother used to say that it was to protect them from all evil, and Clare wondered if it would work with Eli.

"I know you're going to think I'm weird, but…" swallowed Clare. "May I do something? It's sort of a religious thing, and I know you don't believe in God but… Don't judge me, I just feel like I need to do this."

Eli raised an eyebrow but nodded, his smirk very pronounced. "As long as it's legal," he mocked.

Clare placed a finger on Eli's forehead, shaking as she did so. Eli closed his eyes, and Clare breathed deeply as she spoke. "In the name of the Father…" Eli tensed up but his eyes remained closed, the smirk slowly disappearing. Clare's finger now moved to Eli's chest… "and of the Son…" to one of his shoulders… "and of the Holy…" the other shoulder… "Spirit…"

Eli opened his eyes and Clare pressed her finger gently against Eli's lips, her hand still shaking. "Amen," she breathed. She grabbed the necklace she wore around her neck, the one with the cross, and placed it on Eli's hand. "I want you to wear this today," she pleaded. "Just do it for me, okay?"

"Really, Clare?" groaned Eli, but he followed Clare's suggestion anyway. "Clare, this is not going to change anything. The things I do for you, I swear." Eli grabbed Clare's hand and kissed it, his nose pressed against it.

"Stop worrying," he said. "I'm coming back."

_**Eli**_

He felt happy and free, and he was trembling with nerves as he got out of the hearse, his eyes staring at the warehouse. He would never have to go back to that place, never, and he couldn't wait to get rid of his burden.

There was some construction going on at the warehouse; the roof was being repaired and some of the docks were being redone. The noise stopped for a brief moment and Eli felt grateful for it. He could barely hear his own thoughts in the midst of all the construction mayhem.

He saw Matt talking to some of the workers and Eli quickly approached him, his heart bursting with joy. Matt stared curiously at him and dismissed the workers, his hand clutching his car keys.

"You look… happy," said Matt, patting him on the shoulder. "What's up?"

"I'm quitting!" said Eli brightly, looking around to make sure that no one was listening.

"Wha- what?" blurted Matt, his expression a mixture of disbelief and concern. "Really?"

"Yeah," nodded Eli. "I got another job, and I don't have to deal with his crap anymore."

Matt glanced around, pocketing his car keys as he looked at Eli in fear. "Boy, just… be careful, okay. Wait until I get back from this errand I'm running, oka-"

"Elijah!" Donovan was standing next to one of the trailers, a huge smile on his face. Matt let go of Eli's shoulder and backed away, his face pale. Eli gulped at the sight of the man who was the cause of all his pain, but he was determined. He raised his head in defiance and nodded at Donovan, his veins pulsating with dread.

"Mind helping me with some paperwork?" asked Donovan, his voice unusually kind. Eli glanced at Matt, who seemed like he was about to throw up.

"Yeah," replied Eli, his palms sweaty.

"Matt, I really need you to leave and pick up that order," barked Donovan, his tone completely different.

"Um, can it wait?" asked Matt. "I was thinking of helping the boys-"

"Leave. Now." Donovan was glaring venomously at Eli's coworker, and Matt muttered something and walked away, not before giving Eli a look that was filled with sincere concern.

"Come on," said Donovan, snapping his fingers, and Eli followed as the construction resumed, the sound of the drills piercing his ears. They entered the office and Donovan closed the door behind them, and Eli could taste the bile in the back of his throat. He couldn't back down, he had to quit, he had promised Clare. He tried to remember all the things they had talked about, but his mind was painfully blank.

"Have this box and-" stared Donovan, but Eli regained control of his voice and knew that he had to speak.

"Donovan, I need to tell you something," he said, his voice shaky.

"Yes?" asked Donovan, crossing his arms.

"I… I…" Eli felt his throat closing, but he couldn't allow it. He had to say it. "I'm quitting. I quit."

Donovan stared at him in silence, and Eli noticed one of the veins in the man's forehead getting thicker and thicker. Eli's heart was beating hard; he could feel the heartbeats inside his chest getting out of control, hurting him.

"I see," said Donovan calmly. "I see."

Donovan wasn't reacting in the way Eli expected him to, and for a moment, he felt relieved. "I just got another job, closer to home and-"

"I went out with your father last night," interrupted Donovan, still sounding eerily calm. "Ah, your dad. After all these years, he still doesn't know how to handle his alcohol."

"Yeah… no," mumbled Eli as Donovan moved closer to him.

"The things he told me last night," drawled Donovan. "God knows he loves to talk and talk when he's drunk. So amusing. So interesting." He pressed a finger against Eli's cheek, his finger feeling nothing like Clare's. Clare's were always soft and warm; Donovan's were calloused and cold.

"Re-really?" sputtered Eli as Donovan's finger traced a line from his cheek to his chin and then to his neck. Donovan snorted when he saw the cross around Eli's neck and tugged lightly on it, sneering.

"So, this Clare chick," breathed Donovan, letting go of the cross. "Do you _love _her?"

_Fuck_, thought Eli, and he attempted to run away, but it was too late. Donovan grabbed him forcefully by the wrist, making Eli lose his balance and fall hard to the ground. Eli struggled to get up, but Donovan pinned him down, his entire weight causing havoc on Eli's skinny frame.

"Let go of me!" yelled Eli, but Donovan was stronger than him, he always was.

"You little bastard!" roared Donovan, hitting Eli hard across the face. Eli felt the tears stinging his eyes as he stared in disbelief at Donovan. He had never hit him in the face; he was always so worried about leaving visible marks. Any accidental bruising on Eli's face was usually Eli's own fault.

"You thought you would just quit, huh?" growled Donovan, removing Eli's shirt as fast as he could.

"Please, stop it," croaked Eli, and Donovan bit hard on his collarbone, making Eli scream in pain.

"No one can hear you…" gasped Donovan. "Not with the construction going on…"

"Matt! Matt!" cried Eli helplessly; hoping that the man hadn't left already, and Donovan pressed a hand against Eli's mouth, muffling his plea for help.

"Tell me, will she still like you after this?" Donovan punched Eli hard in the stomach, making the boy arch his back and his eyes water. "After this…"

Donovan tugged on Eli's jeans, yanking them off, the jeans all crumbled at Eli's ankles. Donovan started touching him and Eli knew that he was going to die; Donovan had never been so furious. He could feel Clare's cross burning his chest and he only thought of the the girl who had risked loving him. His heart skipped several beats just thinking of her, and it helped numb the pain momentarily.

"You fucking idiot, did you think that I would let you walk away this easily?" exclaimed Donovan manically. "After all I've done for you? You ungrateful fucker, I'm going to break you, I'm going to break you so bad."

"No," gasped Eli as Donovan removed his hand from his mouth, realizing what was about to happen. "No, please, let me go, I won't tell anyone about what happened before, I swear-"

"Of course you won't," grinned Donovan coldly. "You're great at keeping quiet."

"Just let me go, okay," pleaded Eli in desperation. "Please, I promise, I-"

Donovan slapped him hard on the face, and Eli's jaw flared in pain at the contact. He couldn't see a thing, pain was blinding him as Donovan flipped him over, Eli's face pressed against the wooden floor.

Eli tried to get up, but Donovan kept pushing him down, and then he heard the sound of the man unzipping his jeans.

"No, no," cried Eli, his tears splattering the floor. "Please, don't, don't…"

"You have no idea how long I've waited for this," breathed Donovan, leaning in so his lips were close to Eli's ear. "She's not going to want you after this, I promise you."

"Donovan, please…"

"You know, Bullfrog sounded so happy when he told me about Clare," said Donovan, placing a hand on the back of Eli's head, pressing the boy's face to the floor. Eli couldn't move, his body was completely paralyzed by terror, and he closed his eyes.

"He kept saying, _'This girl, man, she makes him so happy, I can tell,'_" scoffed Donovan as his fingers intruded Eli's body, making the latter whimper painfully. "Oh, Elijah, no one will ever love you like I do."

Eli made a last attempt at trying to protest but his body was giving up, and just like that, without a warning, his body was shattered. The pain was unbearable, he was crying uncontrollably and kept muttering Clare's name as if the mere mention of the girl would save him.

He was all alone.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This fic is based on and inspired by the nonDegrassi fic "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By," written by fullcolapse at LiveJournal. **

**Author's note: The response to the previous was something I didn't expect. Wow. You guys are just the best. Thank you to those of you who shared their experiences in their reviews, you made me cry and feel so emotional. I will never know what it feels to go what you went through, but I applaud you for being so brave. **

_"There are things we cannot know , invisible hands which guide the show from up above. And sometimes you are forced to go far away and shut the door... On the one you love."_

**_Invisible Hands, Joseph Arthur_**

_**Clare**_

_She shivered as Eli's fingers touched her bare skin, it felt too good, so good. Clare opened her eyes and placed a hand on Eli's chest, which was miraculously unblemished. No bruises to be seen, just his skin, and she moaned as Eli buried his face in her neck, his tongue making her tremble. _

_He was the one she wanted to be with. She was certain of it. _

"Clare... Clare, honey, wake up."

Clare opened her eyes and mumbled groggily, her hand clutching her cell phone tightly. She had fallen asleep on the living room's couch, waiting for Eli's call. Her first reaction was to glance at the screen, and she panicked when she realized that she had no missed calls, but also when she noticed that it was almost midnight.

"Clare, I need you to sit," her father said gravely.

"Dad, Eli hasn't called, I-" blurted Clare as she sat up. Her father placed a hand on her shoulders and sighed, and she knew that something was wrong.

"Mrs. Goldsworthy just called," said Mr. Edwards, his eyes full of concern.

"No," gasped Clare, her entire body threatening to collapse. Eli was okay, he quit his job, he had just forgotten to call her, but he was okay... everything was fine...

"Eli is in the hospital," continued Mr. Edwards. "Something quite terrible happened at his job but he is okay.. given the circumstances."

"What happened?" croaked Clare, tears running down her cheeks. "Is he hurt? Can we go see him?"

"Mrs. Goldsworthy wasn't too, er, clear on the phone," frowned Mr. Edwards. "The only thing I was able to figure out was that Eli's boss attacked him and then another employee shot the man. Eli's boss was shot in the face and neck but somehow he survived. Not that anyone would want to survive that..."

Clare placed a hand over her mouth and she wanted to scream. What kind of attack? Who shot Donovan? She had been so stupid, letting Eli go there by himself... but she had told him to quit in front of everyone, so why did he...

"That's why I woke you up," said Mr. Edwards calmly. "I'll take you to the hospital. Mrs. Goldsworthy wanted you there because it seems that Eli won't speak to anyone. Not even the police, and people are getting frustrated."

Clare nodded and stood up, mumbling about getting something from her room and walked away in a zombie-like state. Eli wasn't talking? Of course not, that was his nature, eternal secrecy. But he had started to open up, so it could only mean one thing.

She ran into her bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before throwing up, hoping that she was completely wrong about her assumption.

_**Later**_

"Clare, slow down!" called Mr. Edwards, but Clare was walking fast, looking for Eli's parents. She spotted Bullfrog by a vending machine, and the man was just staring blankly into space, his hands deep in his pockets.

"Mr. Goldsworthy?" asked Clare anxiously, and Bullfrog turned around to face her. His clothes were covered in blood, and it took every single ounce of Clare's strength to not throw up in front of everybody.

"Did you know?" asked Bullfrog miserably. "Did you know what Don- what that_ asshole _was doing to my son? Tell me, did you know?"

"I..." Clare was at a loss for words, and she felt guilty, guilty for not telling Eli's parents about what was going on.

"I can't believe it! I was so blind!" roared Bullfrog, punching the vending machine. Clare stepped back and her father caught up with her, pulling Eli's dad away from the machine.

"I'm guessing you're Eli's father?" asked Mr. Edwards politely. "Come on, let's go outside, come on." Clare watched as her father dragged Bullfrog along and she stared at the dent in the vending machine, wondering what Eli looked like.

She didn't want to think about it.

She saw a couple of police officers talking to CeCe down the hallway and Clare ran, her flats hurting her soles as she approached the group.

"Mrs. Goldsworthy!" said Clare breathlessly and CeCe beamed at her.

"Clare," she said quietly and hugged her, completely ignoring the policemen standing in front of them. "You're here. Oh, thank goodness. My boy... my poor boy."

"Lady, you need to follow us and file the report," said one of the cops, and CeCe let go of Clare. "We'll come back later with a social worker so we can talk to your son about the incident."

"My dad told me that someone shot Donovan," said Clare hurriedly.

CeCe's eyes darkened and she snorted with disgust, her body shaking with apparent rage. "Matt, one of Eli's coworkers," said CeCe coldly. "He walked in and just shot him. Donovan is at another hospital, still alive, that... that man should be dead."

"But at least now you know," said Clare. "About Eli."

"I think... I think it's too late now," said CeCe sadly, and wiped her own tears with her sleeve. One of the cops cleared his throat impatiently and CeCe glanced at them, seemingly cross.

"He's in there," said CeCe, beckoning Clare with a little nod. "He's not himself, Clare. But just look at him in the eye, please. Just look at him in the eye and tell him that you love him. Will you do that for me?"

CeCe sounded completely broken, almost sounding like when Eli confessed about his bruises to Clare. Clare wanted to cry and hug the woman again, but CeCe just kissed her on the cheek and followed the cops, and Clare faced the door.

She walked in and breathed deeply when she saw Eli lying on his side, facing the opposite direction from her. She saw part of his back from where the gown opened, and the rest of his bottom half was covered by a thin sheet. The bruising in the back of his neck made her nauseous, it was too recent, too raw.

She walked quietly and grabbed a chair, walking around the bed so she could sit in front of Eli. Eli's green eyes were glassy and wide-open, and his lips resembled a thin line. His left cheek was very swollen, as well as his lower lip, and Clare cringed when she saw the savage bite marks on his neck.

"Eli?" she asked tentatively, but Eli didn't move or say a word. She reached for his cheek and touched it gently with her fingertips as she looked at Eli's skinny arms. More bruises decorated the skin, and Clare felt her eyes stinging with tears when she noticed that some of Eli's fingernails were missing. He had put up a fight, and it was all her fault.

"Eli, I'm so sorry," she sobbed. "I should have told someone that you were going there and... Oh, God, Eli, I'm sorry."

Eli blinked as Clare held one of his bruised hands between hers, and his lips parted. "I lost your necklace," he said hoarsely. "I'm sorry."

"Eli, that doesn't matter," sniffled Clare. "I really don't care. What happened? Please, talk to me."

Eli closed his eyes and licked his lips slowly, as if the mere action was causing him pain. "I didn't quit in front of everyone, like you told me to," he whispered, and opened his eyes. "I'm sorry. Are you mad at me?"

"Eli, that's nonsense," said Clare. "Why would I be mad at you because of that? You need to tell me what happened, because you need to tell the cops too."

"He told me you wouldn't love me anymore," mumbled Eli. "He broke me, Clare. He finally broke me."

Eli sounded resigned, defeated, and Clare moved closer to him. "I love you, Eli," she said, kissing him on the forehead. "I will never stop loving you."

"You should," said Eli wretchedly. "I'm so dirty and disgusting. He... he was inside of me, Clare. I felt him, and..."

Eli's face went green and he pressed his lips together, his breathing irregular. Clare just held on to his hand, watching the boy that she loved fall apart in front of her, not knowing what to do.

"I deserved it," he gasped. "I deserved everything he did to me. And he got shot, Matt shot him. Matt shot him like an animal, and I just remember the blood, and Donovan screaming... I killed Donovan, didn't I? It's my fault."

"Eli, stop it!" cried Clare. "You didn't deserve this and you didn't kill Donovan, stop it!"

"You hate me," said Eli, sounding terrified. "You hate me, he was right... He was always right..."

"I love you, Eli, I love you so much," mumbled Clare, her face close to Eli's. "That man will not hurt you anymore, okay? You're free, Eli."

"I will never be free, Clare," said Eli with finality. "We should break up."

"Eli..."

"I need you to leave," said Eli, closing his eyes again. Clare looked at him helplessly and stood up, feeling nothing but despair inside of her chest. She couldn't do anything about Eli's pain so she walked away, not able to stop the tears.

As she walked out of the room she realized that Eli didn't look like a 16 year-old while he was talking to her.

He looked like a scared little kid.

_**Eli **_

"_You looked fucked, Eli. I fucked you."_

_Eli lay on the ground, not able to open his eyes as his body started getting sore. He didn't know how he would be able to move after what he had just been through. He felt Donovan's hand move closer to his neck, ripping Clare's necklace off from it. Eli wanted to protest but he couldn't. He couldn't speak at all. _

"_You can go home now," said Donovan, sounding like he just had the time of his life. "I expect you to come back on Thursday for a regular shift."_

_Eli heard the door open brusquely, and a panicked yell escaped Donovan. _

"_What did you do to him?" asked another male voice in disgust, and Eli knew that it was Matt. _

"_Get the fuck out of here!" yelled Donovan, and Eli just heard a gunshot, and smelled the blood. Donovan was screaming in pain and Eli heard another shot, but he couldn't think anymore._

_He was fading away, and maybe it was for the best. _

He opened his eyes and saw his mother sitting on the chair Clare had been sitting on before, her eyes closed and her lips slightly parted as she slept. His father was looking out the window, his arms crossed as he muttered things under his breath.

"Dad?" said Eli weakly, and Bullfrog turned around, smiling at him.

"Hey, little brat," he said, moving closer to him. "You've been sleeping for quite a while now."

"How long?" asked Eli.

"Ten hours or so," said Bullfrog, running a hand over Eli's hair. "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," said Eli truthfully.

"Clare is still out there, you know?" said Bullfrog carefully. "She left for a bit just to take a shower but she came back right away. Such a good kid, that one."

Eli didn't say anything but just pressed his cheek harder against the pillow. He could tell that something was bothering his father, and although Eli knew what it was, he didn't want to trigger a conversation.

But Bullfrog talked anyway.

"I didn't know, I..." Bullfrog swallowed and shook his head, glancing at CeCe. "When Donovan got divorced, he didn't want to talk about it. At all. He stopped visiting his kids, which struck me as weird since he seemed like a family dude and..."

Eli gulped, remembering the framed pictures of two boys in Donovan's office. Eli had met them several times throughout the years, but Donovan had divorced when Eli was just seven, so he didn't remember them much.

"After we got you checked in and all, I called Linda," said Bullfrog, referring to Donovan's ex-wife. "I told her what happened with you and she was silent. I asked her why she divorced Donovan and... well, let's just say that her kids have been going to therapy since the divorce."

His own kids? Eli felt extremely nauseous as his father stared sadly at him, the guilt in his eyes obvious.

"I should've known... but I trusted him," said Bullfrog. "I thought he was my brother."

"I understand," said Eli in a small voice.

"No, you shouldn't," said Bullfrog crossly. "I fucked up. I fucked up big time as a parent, as a human being. I let all this happen to you, I made you work to help pay bills that my father left behind... I just really fucked up. And don't say anything, Eli, because I know how you are. I fucked up, there's no way around it."

Eli realized where he got the whole guilt thing from, and if he had been feeling any better, he would have smirked at the irony.

But he didn't feel well, he felt so broken, damaged beyond repair. The sounds of Donovan's pleasure still haunted him, the man's groans while raping him still very present in his mind.

"Is he... dead?" asked Eli.

Bullfrog shook his head angrily, as if wishing otherwise. "No. His face is mangled and the shot he got in the neck messed him up," said Bullfrog bitterly. "He won't be able to move from the neck down. He should have died, the bastard, but the fucker is still breathing."

Donovan wouldn't be able to move? At all? Eli felt some sort of sick delight at the thought of Donovan being paralyzed forever, of being helpless, of not having control over his body. So many times Eli had been paralyzed by fear, watching how Donovan abused him, and he felt that life was a bit fair.

"Do you want me to call Clare?" asked Bullfrog.

"No. I broke up with her," said Eli dryly.

"Why? No offense, boy, but this isn't probably the best time to push her away," sighed Bullfrog.

"It's the best time," snapped Eli. "What am I going to be able to offer her, dad? Tell me! I don't want to touch her, I don't want her to touch me. I'm the most disgusting person on Earth. No, she deserves better. I don't want her near me because if I see her I'm just going to break down and get back together with her. I want her out of my life because I want to be out of hers."

"But you love her," insisted Bullfrog.

"I do, and you were kind enough to tell Donovan about it," said Eli furiously, and Bullfrog's face fell.

"Boy, I-"

"I just want to sleep," said Eli, feeling bitter and resentful. "And tell Clare to leave. Tell her that I never want to see her again. Tell her that her fucking god didn't help me, that he just made everything worse. Just tell her, and just let me sleep."

Eli closed his eyes and felt his whole body ache, he still felt Donovan inside of him in every single way, and he knew that he would never forget.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. This fic was inspired by and based on the wonderful nonDegrassi fic "Brilliant Smiles and Barely Scraping By," written by fullcolapse at LiveJournal. I do not own the "Somewhere Across Forever" lyrics that Eli quotes in this chapter (Also, I do not like the "blue eyes" nickname for Clare, but oh well, it's in the lyrics). Or the canon line in his letter. **

**Author's note: This is the last chapter for this fic. Believe me, I will miss writing it so much. But I also found that this ending was the most realistic of all the drafts I had, so I certainly hope that you like it. Thank you so much for all your support during this writing process, and this chapter is dedicated to all of you. No song lyrics because… you'll see. ;)**

_**Transition time between last chapter and this one: Your choice. I didn't want to elaborate in time issues, so whatever feels enough for you (weeks, months) is good enough. **_

_**Eli**_

"Breathe."

"I... I can't..."

"Eli, open your eyes and breathe."

Eli obeyed and gasped for breath, his head hurting due to the temporary lack of oxygen. He looked around the room and saw that he was still sitting in the same chair, that Donovan wasn't around... that he was safe.

"You're still here," said Dr Barrow, her friendly smile giving Eli temporary comfort.

"Yeah," grinned Eli, taking in his surroundings.

"You _are_ allowed to breathe, you must remember that," smiled Dr Barrow as she took some notes. "Your mother told me you've been doing that a lot, holding your breath. He's not around to hurt you anymore, Eli."

Eli thought of Donovan, who had had several strokes after the incident and was now lying on a bed, a vegetable, his brain not functioning anymore. Nobody visited the man because everybody hated him, and although Donovan had made his life miserable, Eli felt sorry for him.

He knew that he shouldn't, but he still did.

He didn't hate Donovan; his therapist helped him get rid of the feelings of anger and bitterness, told him that it wasn't healthy to hate someone that much. He felt that he had been going to therapy for years, and he felt tired, emotionally drained.

Eli also felt sorry for Matt, who was in jail for shooting Donovan, and he thought that life just wasn't fair. Eli visited Matt after being released from the hospital, and his former coworker said he regretted nothing. That the only thing he was sorry about was not shooting Donovan before. That he was sorry about his silence. But Eli forgave him, after all, he knew what it was like to carry guilt around.

The therapist knew everything about that visit, and Eli had cried while talking about it. It was out of his system, but it still hurt. Everything hurt.

And something else was bothering him in the back of his mind.

"How's school?" asked Dr Barrow, twirling her finger around a long strand of her brown hair. She was approaching the subject that Eli always wanted to keep quiet about, the only subject that he was still hesitant to touch.

"I... you know. Still avoiding people," said Eli, staring at his hands. He had talked to Adam a lot, and sometimes Alli, but never Clare. Alli eventually got frustrated with him and barely talked to him anymore, but Adam understood. Adam would listen to him and every now and then make suggestions that Eli would ignore. But at least he could count on Adam as a friend.

"Haven't talked to Clare yet, huh," stated Dr. Barrow. "Eli, you haven't talked to her in weeks, maybe it's time…"

"No. It makes no sense now," sighed Eli. It hurt to see Clare every day and not talk to her; he sat far away from her during English class, glancing at her and catching Clare looking back at him. Clare's eyes were full of sadness and she would always end up looking away, and Eli hated himself.

"Why not?"

"Because I pushed her away... I lost her already," said Eli sadly.

"How do you know? How do you know you've lost her if you haven't talked to her?" insisted Dr Barrow.

"I can't talk to her," said Eli in a whisper.

"Why not?"

He was tired of answering questions, and he glanced at his watch, wanting time to go by faster. He knew that he needed to speak, that he couldn't continue to keep secrets, and he breathed deeply.

"Because I'm afraid," he said simply. "I'm afraid that we'll talk, that I will want to kiss her, and that I'll end up hurting her."

"Physically, you mean."

"Yes... yeah."

"Eli," said Dr Barrow calmly. "Just because you were abused, it doesn't mean you will abuse someone too. We always have a choice, and from what I've seen from you, you are not the kind of guy who hurts people. You're not."

"It's not only that," blurted Eli miserably. "What if I don't like her kisses anymore?"

That was the unavoidable truth. He was afraid that if Clare touched him in the slightest way he would hate it, that he would feel disgusted by it, and he didn't want to have that memory of the girl he loved. Dr Barrow set down her notepad and took off her glasses, a curious look on her face. "Are you afraid that Donovan affected your capacity for human touch? I mean, in a romantic kind of way? Because I know that you let your parents hug you now. That is a huge development, Eli."

Eli nodded, a knot in his throat. He felt like holding his breath again but stopped himself from doing so. He needed to stop hurting himself to deal with the pain he needed to let go of.

"I think that it would be a good idea if you discussed this with her," the therapist said thoughtfully. "You can't alienate yourself from people you love, Eli. Especially when they love you back."

Eli looked at the doctor and their eyes met, the warmth of the therapist's chocolate-brown eyes making him feel somewhat safe. It was okay to talk; it was okay to admit defeat and fears.

"But what if she doesn't love me anymore?" said Eli, practically whining.

"I'm sure she does," said Dr Barrow, looking at the clock on the wall. "But you need to let her know that you want her in your life. She can't just assume you do."

Eli was silent as he listened to the sounds the clock was making, and his heart kept telling him that it was time to talk to Clare again. But that didn't make the fear go away.

He doubted that it would ever go away.

"Eli… I have a suggestion," said Dr Barrow, and Eli listened.

_**Clare**_

"You need to get over it, Clare."

Clare sighed sadly and tapped the table with her pencil as Alli stared concernedly at her, their homework forgotten.

"I miss him," muttered Clare, missing everything about Eli. She missed the way his fingers slid between hers, as if they were made to fit perfectly. She missed the way he would kiss the back of her hand whenever he was happy or deep in thought, the way he used to read to her. She missed his smile, which she rarely saw, but his smile always seemed reserved for her.

It hurt, but Eli needed space after his horrific ordeal. She understood that… But her heart didn't.

"I know you do, but…" Alli stopped talking, noticing the tears in Clare's eyes. Clare wiped them away, clearing her throat as she tried to focus on her math homework, her thoughts still of Eli.

"I need to solve this problem," said Clare, staring blankly at her algebra notes.

"Yes, you do," said Alli serenely, and Clare knew that her best friend wasn't talking about homework. Clare chose to ignore the comment and grabbed her calculator, tears blurring her eyesight. The tears fell on her notebook and she felt frustrated as she pushed everything away.

"Clare-" started Alli, but Clare shook her head.

"You don't understand," said Clare sourly. "He broke up with me the moment he was hurting the most. When Eli's dad told me that Eli needed some time apart…. It hurt so much. Eli didn't even want to talk to me in person… he just wanted me out. I wasn't going to leave him but…"

The doorbell rang and Clare buried her face in her hands as Alli stood up. "I'll get it, okay," said Alli softly. Clare nodded, wanting to scream as soon as Alli left the kitchen. Clare's dad had been trying to cheer her up, but nothing was successful enough.

_Eli grabbed her hand and kissed it, his nose pressed against it. _

_"Stop worrying," said Eli, his raven hair covering most of his forehead. "I'm coming back."_

Clare loved torturing herself with those words, because Eli never came back. But then again, neither did Clare. It was if a part of both of them had died that day, as if Donovan had ripped away the small amount of happiness that belonged to them.

That man had destroyed everything, but he was paying for it. Clare was glad that Donovan wasn't dead; he deserved everything that he was going through. She was surprised by those bitter feelings, but she couldn't help it.

"Um, Clare?" called Alli from the living room. "You need to come here."

Clare stood up slowly, feeling utterly destroyed as she walked, and the moment she walked into the living room everything changed. Eli was standing there, holding his journal in his hands and looking absolutely terrified.

Clare wasn't sure how to feel. Eli had avoided her for weeks, sitting far away from her, sparing her just a few glances. She knew why he was being distant, yes, but it didn't help ease the pain. She was hurt; hurt that Eli had decided to hide behind his walls once again.

"I'm going to leave," said Alli hurriedly, walking out of the room at once. Eli and Clare just stared at each other, the silence between them feeling heavy as Alli walked out of the kitchen and gave Clare a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving.

The front door closed after Alli, but the silence was still there. Eli opened his mouth several times to speak, but no sound came out. Clare just waited, feeling tired and overwhelmed, feeling older than fifteen.

"I'm sorry," whispered Eli.

"About what?" asked Clare, noticing the guilt in Eli's voice.

"For handling things the way I did," he said, clutching his journal.

"I… I understand," said Clare, her voice breaking.

"I want you to come with me," said Eli, staring intently at his journal. "If you want to. I need to do something and I want you to be with me. You have all the right to say no, I will understand."

"I'll go," nodded Clare, not sure of what she was agreeing to.

_**Later**_

It was rather peaceful out there; the cold wind made Clare shiver as she waited for Eli to come back from the hearse. The ground made crunching noises underneath her feet, and she enjoyed the sound of the nearby river.

Everything was too peaceful. A contrast from the emotions tormenting her.

The drive had been completely silent, with Eli just looking over at her a couple times but not saying a word. She wondered if everything between them was damaged beyond repair, and the mere thought made her want to cry.

"I'm back," said Eli, his voice sounding hoarse. He still had his journal with him but he was also carrying what it looked like a medium-sized metallic trashcan.

"I have had many secrets through the years," started Eli, placing the trashcan down. "I've kept them all inside… and here."

Eli pointed at the journal and Clare nodded, waiting.

"I want you to know everything about me," continued Eli. "I want to show you every little thing that is a part of me. I pushed you away after… after the attack because… I was afraid. Afraid that you wouldn't love me anymore because of what happened to me. Afraid that you would consider me damaged after what Donovan did to me."

"I would never do that," said Clare despairingly. "I wanted to help you."

"I know you did," admitted Eli. "But I had to help myself first. I should have told you that I wanted some time apart instead of telling my dad to do it for me. I know that I broke up with you, but looking back, I shouldn't have. I should have just… handled things differently."

"You should have!" cried Clare, feeling all the resentment leaving her body. "Eli, you mean everything to me, and the fact that you didn't trust me enough to stay by your side hurt me! It hurt me so much!"

"I never intended… I never wanted to hurt you," said Eli. "I don't want to hurt you… ever."

"I know… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"I'm glad you did, Clare."

Clare felt the tears rolling down her cheeks but she couldn't move. Eli seemed intent in continuing to talk, so she remained silent.

"I can't forget," gasped Eli. "I won't be able to ever forget what he did to me. I can't do that. But I can learn how to deal with it, without letting it hurt people around me or myself. I'm trying, Clare, I'm trying so hard to get better… and you're one of the reasons why."

Eli drew breath and opened his journal, his hands shaking. "I know I told you most of the details of my abuse that night, the night you confronted me about Donovan. I don't think I was completely sincere, so bear with me. When you spend a long time hiding information from people, you tend to conceal a lot. I put together all of the secrets I wrote through the years and tried to write an understandable letter of sorts. But I couldn't because all I could think about was you, so I wrote something for you instead. I want you to listen to it, and tell me what you think of it… and tell me if you think you can forgive me for being so distant."

Clare felt her heart wrench but she continued to nod, not able to speak at all.

Eli cleared his throat and started to read.

_**Eli**_

"_Secret #1, it all started the first time I had a fight with Julia, two months before she died. I guess I should rephrase that. It all ended that night._

That was the first secret I ever wrote down in this journal. I have a total of 427 secrets written down, every single sentence a piece of my soul, a shard of glass in my heart.

Secrets and lies became a part of me, but you changed that. I remember the first time I saw you, in Miss Dawes' class. You glanced at me and smiled, and that smile pretty much changed my life. Because the moment you left to create havoc on Jenna's locker, the room became cold and I wanted to get out of there.

I often wonder what would have happened if you hadn't looked at me that day. If your smile hadn't given me hope. I don't want to think about that possibility anymore, because the thought of not having you in my life is terrifying.

And then the day after the locker incident you came over to my table and you… you had me. Your eyes had me, your smile had me… I'm certain that I fell in love with you that day. Just like that, I felt alive again.

But I had this secret, this disgusting secret. You figured out something was wrong with me soon enough, though. Of course you did, you're the smartest girl I've ever met. Whenever Donovan abused me, my mind would shut down and I would only think of you. Just thinking of you was like shooting up some sort of drug, you numbed my pain, but you made me feel happy too.

You've always had faith in me somehow, and there are no words to tell you how much I love you for that. You never ran away from me, not even when you had the chance to. Any other girl would have said that 'This is too heavy, I can't deal with this. I can't stay.' Any other girl would have broken up with me the moment she saw the bruises, the moment she saw that I was completely fucked up.

But not you. You stayed. I hurt you and made you cry with my own ordeal but you stayed.

I'm sorry I pushed you away that night. I'm sorry that I was a coward and decided to shut down instead of opening up to you. But it hurt too much, Clare. I still wake up every night and I can feel him, although I know that he can't hurt me anymore. I still look around my room and wait for him to show up to finish me off. It's messed up, I know. I'm not cured yet… I don't know if I'll ever be. You are too young to deal with my issues, you have your whole life ahead of you, and I feel like I'm just an unnecessary burden.

But I'm trying to fix that, I am. And I want to ask you if you could give me another chance. I can't promise pure happiness, I can't promise that I won't have nightmares, or shout and fight, or scream and push you away. I can't promise you that I won't stop trying to hurt myself. I can't promise you that because I don't know my own future.

But I can promise you that I will fight to get better, that I will fight for you. Because you're the only thing that makes me feel like I can get better. I have no secrets for you anymore, and I hope that you can accept me this way. I love you, Clare Edwards. I love you so much."

Eli ripped off the page from the journal where he had written his letter, not daring to look at Clare. He pocketed it and threw the rest of the journal in the trashcan, feeling relieved. He looked up and saw that Clare was walking over to him, her cheeks wet with tears, and she flung her arms around his neck.

A million emotions exploded inside of Eli's mind, but none of them were fear. He wrapped his arms tightly around Clare, their bodies pressed together, almost fused to each other. He searched for Clare's lips and he kissed her carefully, and it didn't hurt.

It didn't hurt to kiss her at all.

The kiss wasn't full of passion or intense, but it was full of meaning. Eli was just pressing his lips against Clare's and felt that he didn't need anything else. Eli finally pulled away and kissed Clare on the cheek, his lips tasting her tears, and he sighed.

"Eli, I love you too, and I want to be with you… I want to help you get better," mumbled Clare, and Eli held her closer as he moved his lips to Clare's ear.

"_Blue eyes, not going to leave here without you_," sang Eli softly as they both swayed slowly in the spot, their arms around each other. " _Blew my chances, chances, chances… Let's go, when I finally find the words… I'll be coming back to you._"

Clare was running her fingers through Eli's hair, her motions soft and gentle. "_If I decide to rule the world I'm still coming back for you.._." whispered Eli, his voice shaking with emotion.

Clare kissed him again, her lips full of trust, and he smiled against them.

"I need to do something," he said, and he let go of Clare to reach for something inside the trashcan. He pulled out a lighter and a small container, and he felt his heart aching.

"Are you going to burn it?" asked Clare curiously, placing a hand on his arm.

"Yeah," said Eli, pouring the lighter fluid in the can all over his old journal. "My therapist said it would be symbolic and kind of liberating. We'll see if she was right." He threw the lighter in the can and stepped away as the flames started getting higher, burning away all of his secrets.

Clare's hand was in his and they watched the journal burn, both of them not saying a word.

"Where do we go from here?" asked Clare after a few minutes. Her question was a valid one, and she sounded a little bit scared, but Eli understood. Clare had given him another chance, she had taken a step into the unknown, but he didn't have the right answer for her. Not yet.

"I honestly don't know," admitted Eli. "But I have you. Right?"

"Of course," smiled Clare. "We'll take things slow, one day at a time. Is that okay?"

Eli's eyes focused on the fire, how it was burning everything away, and he felt somewhat clean. He could still feel Donovan's abuse, he could still feel how his body ached at times, but he was a pragmatic guy; he knew that it would take a while for those memories to fade away. But he had his parents, he had his friends, he had Clare. Maybe recovery wasn't such an impossible dream. He sure hoped so.

"One day at a time, yeah," said Eli softly. "One day at a time."


End file.
